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SATIRE
By Michael Torley, Guest Writer
When the news broke of Lil Nas X’s arrest, what was given to the public was not only a bunch of meme material for Redditors to go crazy at, but also a bunch of clues as to what that “Montero” man was doing.
The boots, the undies, Nicki Minaj’s rap lyrics, a traffic cone, the destination of Universal Studios and the fact that Lil Nas X had sold shoes with blood in them four years ago. Can you believe that Satan’s shoes were created four years ago? We’re all old. While I could go on about the specific charges Lil Nas X received, let us be real, we do not care about that. Let’s get into the 100% real, very likely series of events that led to Lil Nas X meeting up with some of Los Angeles’ finest public service officers.
Lil Nas X raps Nicki Minji’s verse on “Monster” while almost wearing his birthday suit
#1. A Planned “Old Town Road” Reunion?
If Hollywood is crazy about anything right now, it is reunions. We are seeing a Freaky Friday” reunion, a “Euphoria” reunion and even a reunion of the Xavier students after the 2025 summer, so it is natural to say: “Why not reunite the cast of the hit song of 2019, ‘Old Town Road?’” Lil Nas X might’ve just been trying to reach his BFF Billy Ray Cyrus.
It would explain the attire of the boots. Maybe Lil Nas X just could not find the rest of the ensemble and all his other clothes were in the wash. As for Nicki Minaj’s rap lyrics, nothing mentions that Lil Nas X was ONLY singing Nicki, he might have been having a “Party in the USA” or buying himself some “Flowers” when he could not reach Billy Ray, or maybe he was trying to reach for some Sweet Baby Ray’s. Who’s to tell.
#2: A Live Action Minions Movie in the Works?
One detail that tends to go unnoticed is where Lil Nas X was walking — Universal Studios. Another signal that could hint Lil Nas X’s motivation for walking to Universal comes from one of our favorite sources, the stupid smartest, finest news reporter, TMZ. TMZ was able to find footage that shows Lil Nas X ditching his “tighty-whities” (I’ll let you guess what that means) and continuing his walk in purely his birthday suit. Now, who else do I know that would stroll about in their birthday costume? The answer is pretty simple: Minions.
We have seen those yellow guys do a bunch of crazy stuff, including using a copier to print pictures of their heinies. If those guys can show their bum bums for the camera, then Lil Nas X must be thinking “Why I can’t as well?”
Furthermore, live-action remakes are on the rise. While a lot of these remakes are not really good, you would think that big studios have got the message yet? We might be seeing history in the making, like when people caught the filming of “The Devil Wears Prada 2” in NYC. We’ll just have to see what happens when the trailer comes out!
#3: Traffic Cone Look-a-like Contest?
Finally, a simpler guess. One detail that is more baffling than ever is that Lil Nas X picked up a traffic cone and placed it on his head. What could explain this detail is simple: Lil Nas X might have just wanted to win a pop-up look-a-like contest with some famous LA traffic cones.
How do you look like a traffic cone? Well, if you ask Lil Nas X, you could just put one of those suckers on your head! And if you think that putting a traffic cone on your head does not make one look like a traffic cone, it at least gets the job done.
Lil Nas X wearing a traffic cone has sparked debate over which is better.
In conclusion, we will never truly know what Nas was doing that night. Was he doing one of these theories, none of them or even all of them? Nonetheless, at least this situation is giving a good laugh and a bunch of meme material. Until the answer is found, if ever, keep theorizing and the world will go on.
