SATIRE

By Joe Reardon, Staff Writer 

We are gathered here today (in print) to mourn the passing of Brockman Hall. I may not be a Brockstar and I don’t think I’ve ever even been inside, but I do have one thing to say in Brockman’s memory: I will always fondly remember it as that one building I passed on the way to literally anywhere else.  

Let’s be honest though. Brockman means too much to too many people to just let it lie empty. So how can we use it now? I’ve come up with three incredibly serious ideas for the administration. 

1. Rent it to the University of Cincinnati 

Since the hall is tragically devoid of residents this year, the most logical step is to rent it out; not to students here, of course, but to our neighbors down the road at the University of Cincinnati (UC). After all, UC has turned their “housing shortage” into a proud annual tradition. They’ve mastered the art of sending wide-eyed freshmen not into dorms, but into the warm embrace of the local Marriott.  

Why stop at hotels when they can outsource to another university entirely? So, let’s put up the “For Rent” sign. Cincinnati gets a temporary reprieve from its eternal housing crisis, we make a little cash, and our poor residence hall finally gets to feel useful again. 

2. Open a basketball training facility 

Why let an empty residence hall go to waste when it could be transformed into the University’s newest temple to hoops glory? Forget dorms and study lounges, the real key to boosting enrollment is a state-of-the-art basketball training facility. After all, every time our team scores a big win, applications spike, campus morale soars and alumni donations magically appear.  

Of course, academic departments might grumble, but prospective students don’t care about Philosophy, Politics, and the Public (PPP) or osteopathic medicine. They respond to dunks, free-throw percentages and Instagram clips of pre-game warmups. Why not put this hall to work where it counts? A few free weights here and a shooting machine there and suddenly, the old building is transformed into a recruiting magnet. 

3. Turn it into a haunted house 

If the residence hall won’t be home to students this year, why not let it live on… in terror? That’s right, the building has long been the unintentional master of ambiance: flickering lights, mysterious puddles, drafty stairwells and plumbing that screams at 3 a.m. It’s practically begging to become the campus first official haunted house.  

Imagine it: ticketed entry, complete with a self-guided tour through the “Dorms of the Damned,” featuring long-abandoned laundry rooms, moldy carpets and furniture that creaks under the weight of… well, nothing. Every hallway can be a jump scare and every peeling poster a cautionary tale of students past. The RA’s old office? Instant séance room. The common lounge? Perfect for a ghostly pizza party setup where spectral toppings float mysteriously above the table. Brockman will finally claim its destiny as the most terrifying structure on campus. 

In the end, Brockman Hall may be empty, but it’s far from useless. Whether housing UC students, sculpting future basketball stars or haunting the brave, it still has a purpose. Let’s honor its legacy, not with silence, but with creativity.