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SATIRE
By Michael Torley, Staff Writer
As the seasons change and weather gets colder, most would be lame and “bundle up” and in the process make themselves look like Ralphie’s brother in A Christmas Story. However, some decide that jackets are for the weak and live like it’s still summer. I’ve always wondered “how do these people live?” I’m just some kid from Texas who gets cold in the Cintas Center. In my quest of doing investigative journalism, I did the unthinkable: tired to live a day as one of these freaks. What I’ve discovered, I can only describe as either the ramblings of a man slowly turning into an ice cube or pure science.
#1: Life’s A Beach
Our very own writer braves the Cincinnati winds on his way to class.
When wondering why someone wearing short-sleeved everything is not cold despite the low temperatures. That person might not be in the Cincinnati headspace in that moment. Instead of Cincinnati, they might be imagining themself on a tropical paradise escape, an island breeze accompanying the warm summer weather. For them, life’s a beach, even if they aren’t actually AT a beach. My suggestion: trade in those boring t-shirts for some fun Hawaiian shirts. I promise you, the ocean will feel even closer than it does on Caf tilapia day.
Michael never bothered us anyway.
#2: Descendant of Elsa
As I continued my time in short sleeves and shorts, my hands were getting quite cold to the point in which I thought Elsa from Frozen was right beside me. Think about it: the cold never bothered HER anyway! Could it be that this nonconformist of Scandinavia who made it permanently winter could’ve had kids who carried on her message? So, it goes on today, with these people being her descendants. It puts a new meaning into dressing up as Elsa for Halloween. You might’ve just been dressing up as your four or five times great grandmother (believe me, I did the math)!
#3: Is Superman my Dad?
When living outside in cold temperatures while wearing a t-shirt and shorts, you have two realizations: you might be related to Superman and you might need to go to on that guy Maury’s show to prove it. One may wonder what the climate on Krypton is like. My guess is cold, judging by Superman’s secret hideout somewhere in Antarctica. Plus, we must not forget the fact that the Hall of Justice is located here in Cincinnati, hidden just under the unassuming name of the “Cincinnati Museum Center.”
Superman and Lois Lane could’ve had children, who just might’ve grown up to carry Superman’s ability to withstand cold temperatures! To the naysayers, Metropolis could just be a cover name for Cincy like Clark Kent is for Superman. Plus, Superman isn’t known for going on TMZ to talk about his love life. As far as we know it, there may be aliens among us or maybe I’m just wearing my tinfoil hat too much.
At the end of the day, I was very cold because of this “experiment.” To those who do wear a t-shirt and shorts on cold days regularly, I don’t know how you do it. I honestly have no idea if you “people” just forget to wash the warm clothes and have to resort to tank top or if you truly have a superpower. All I know is that I have suffered some brain freezing as a result of being outside with little protection for too long and so I must go. Here’s hoping that I will not end up becoming the ice-cube version of Olaf!
