SATIRE
By Ryan Ottiger, Newswire Intern
With the Chauncey Billups and Terry Rozier gambling scandals, I am here to propose some NBA betting lines that even those two may have wagered on. You will not find these on a typical FanDuel box score bet, but here are four bets that the true ball knowers would absolutely do.
- LeBron James “Year 23” Posts: Over/Under 8 1/2 Times
Despite the love I have for my glorious king LeBron Raymone James, something needs to be said about the amount of times we will see a “year 23” Instagram post this season. LeGoat never fails to deliver countless posts about “year 22,” “year 21,” “year 20,” and now we will be set to see how many “year 23” related posts we get this year. Purely based on my own experiences with LeGoat’s Instagram, I would set the line at 8 1/2. I will be taking the over.
- Draymond Green Assaulting His Opponent on the Basketball Court: Over/Under 1/2 Times
Shockingly, Draymond Green was not suspended last year. However, it has not even been two years since the last time we have seen an assault take place on a basketball court at the hands of Draymond.
On Dec. 12, 2023, Green executed a clean basketball play, sucker punching his opponent directly in the face, resulting in a 12-game suspension where he was forced into counseling. So far this counseling has paid off, as we have not seen any suspensions from him since. With that being said, it is Green we are talking about.
Even just before the Dec. 12 sucker punch incident, on Nov. 14 of the same year, Green had another instance of assaulting a player on the court. In a home game against the Minnesota Timberwolves, Green jumped into a fight that broke out between two other players. He was not even involved — that was until he decided to immediately start choking opposing player Rudy Gobert, who did not start the original fight.

Rudy Gobert was famously choked by Draymond Green, but what he didn’t tell the media was he secretly liked it…
These fights came just weeks apart and I have not even mentioned him stomping on Domantas Sabonis’ chest. Perhaps the most famous one of all time, the suckerpunch straight into Jordan Poole’s face in 2022. I think it is been too long since the last accident and we are surely due for another one. I’m taking the over for 1/2 assaults for the 2025-26 season.
- Shai Gilgeous-Alexander Postgame Interview Aura Farming Moments: Over/under 20 1/2 times
Another year of Gilgeous-Alexander dominance means we will unfortunately see some more incredibly corny postgame interviews as well. From talking about “my whole life is consistent” to being glazed nonstop by his teammates and joining in the interviews uninvited, this is a very pressing bet for the current season that might actually add some fun to the Thunder’s frustrating dominance. I could have sworn I have seen way more unprovoked philosophical answers to interview questions, but my YouTube search tells me otherwise. I would take the under 20 1/2 for this bet even though it feels a little off.

Nikola Jokic’s first job is horses, second job is basketball, and third job is avoiding reporters at all costs.
- Nikola Jokic Horse References: Over/Under 4 1/2 Times
The man who many say “treats the NBA like a 9-to-5 job,” seems to have much greater passion for his horse racing competitions than for basketball, despite literally being the best basketball player on earth. Over the summer, videos emerged of Nikola Jokic crying after one of his horses won a race. During his championship run in 2023, Jokic seemed visibly annoyed in an interview when he heard he would have to celebrate the championship parade rather than going home to his horses. Bleacher Report never fails to deliver the small bits of Jokic’s horse passion, so we will count that in here. I’ll take the over 4 ½.

