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SATIRE
By Audrey Elwood, Campus Editor
The biggest news out of British Vogue: “Having a boyfriend is embarrassing.” Nobody knows embarrassing like the British and they have Prince Andrew to thank for that.
But your sweetums, man-baby is not like that at all. He is the man of your dreams, I mean he doesn’t even ask you to split the bill on your birthday!
It’s time you had a wakeup call, that isn’t just him stealing the sheets. Your friends are getting secondhand embarrassment worse than the time you puked on Topcats floor your freshman year. We can fix this, even if he can’t fix his credit score.
This random man is a better boyfriend than any man who is DJ or aspires to be a DJ.
- Tell him to get a job
As someone who has multiple songs on SoundCloud about them, I know a thing about dating a scrub. Tell him to put down the mixer, we need plumbers. You need to be dedicated and study sometimes. His version of networking is going to Dana’s on family weekend. You might be linking up at the wee hours of the night, but he needs to be LinkedIn to his goals.
- Buy him a flosser
I know you like his man musk after he gets back from “running at 1 a.m.” (girl he’s running on some other girl get some respect). Axe body spray might have cut it in middle school, but now it smells closer to tear gas than “arctic cool.”
Unfortunately, Axe only covers the smell so much, if you don’t shower for a month we will still be able to smell you.
Here is a step-by-step on how to get your man to shower. One, tell him he can bring his iPad in there. Two, make sure you check the water for him. Ever since coming to college he has only taken cold showers because his mom isn’t there to check it for him. Three, promise him that if he uses soap, you will bring him a venti cookie-crumble-vanilla-pudding-matcha frappe with extra whip. You have my 100% guarantee that he will at least shower for two minutes with this method!
- Bring his diet from toddler to a functioning human being
I know he loves his chicken and rice, but he hasn’t pooped for a week. You will be a widow to colon cancer before you even get that degree. To get some fiber, tell him to eat the caf vegetables. Don’t worry they are a special high protein version, infused with maggots!
At some point, you need to realize that some diamonds in the rough are just forehead rhinestones. The only true way to have your boyfriend stop embarrassing you is acceptance.
You need to make him the only thing about you. Bring him up in every conversation. You have nothing else to contribute other than him. Do not go to a single girl’s night without him. Why do you need to have any friends outside of him? That’s borderline cheating in my opinion.
No single woman ever did anything meaningful. Having that boyfriend drag you down, just gives you an extra hurdle to clear. The most successful women all have time to deal with a manchild more demanding than a toddler. Never forget, this will be the time he finally changes.
