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SATIRE
By Reshelle Bihasa, Staff Writer
In honor of the recent events involving the Caf, I have compiled a list of hidden surprises one may encounter during their dining experience or “Caf-rotting” so to speak.
- Tufts of Blue Blob Fur
If you look closely, you may notice patches of blue blob hair dispersed around the caf and in the food. Our legendary mascot, the Blue Blob, has been very stressed recently, especially during basketball games. Let’s just say our basketball team likes to keep us all on our toes.
They purposely like to keep us invested in watching the game by always scoring close to the opponent’s scores until the very last second, then barely taking the lead. Unfortunately, this has taken a toll on our beloved blue blob from all the stress and he is losing his hair.
- Hanycz’s Glasses
President Colleen Hanycz occasionally loses her glasses from time to time. A true Xavier mystery, one day it is in her office and the next day it suddenly vanishes.
Rumor has it that while eating your daily quesadilla from the cantina line, you may stumble across a pair of glasses tucked between the tortilla layers. Before you take that first bite, make sure to proceed with caution and check for lenses.
After all, Hanycz probably might not be able to see clearly, especially when it comes to finding new ways to get funds for the university.
- A Pot of Gold
This next item can be very difficult to find and only makes an appearance during breakfast. If you see it, consider yourself lucky.
Hidden beneath the Lucky Charms cereal, little leprechauns live in secrecy, plotting revenge for anyone who takes their lucky pieces in the form of charms. However, if you somehow manage to make your way past these green mischief makers, you may find their pot of gold which resets your dining dollar balance to $250.
The quesadilla station is starting to steal Hancyz’s glasses and carefully place them in the cheese. When you do your cheese pull, watch out for glass shards!
- Cold shredded nacho cheese
Just when you are craving a flavorful deli sandwich or wrap, it is replaced by an underwhelming nacho stack station with cold, not melted, shredded nacho cheese. The deli station was the one thing that set the caf apart for greatness and now they have transformed it into something… painfully mid.
You don’t often hear people say, “I am so hungry I am craving for the Caf’s nachos.” Nope. Bring back the deli station we all say in unison! Maybe you’ll even find hidden deeper within the nacho cheese missing parmesan, especially since it is always empty at the pasta station.
- Maggots, maggots, maggots
If you’re lucky, you could possibly find an extra source of protein at the convenience of your own plate! Who wouldn’t want a little fella creature greeting us every time we enjoy a caf meal?
The maggots, maggots, maggots can replace your chicken as your protein for the day.
Or maybe the Louvre robbers stealthily escaped and planned a heist at our own Caf, infiltrating the caf by dispersing maggots throughout the kitchen to mask their real motive: stealing Ms. Reese’s delicious chocolate chip pancakes, molten lava cake and the pizza ATM machine.
So next time you’re in the Caf, make sure to take a gander at all the hidden mysteries and surprises that await you. It will add something to your day and help practice your skills to double check your food the same way you should’ve double checked the directions on that last quiz.
