SATIRE

By Michael Torley, Staff Writer 

With All for One Weekend officially one month away, many students are either looking forward to or absolutely dreading having members of their families on campus for one weekend full of events, classes and everything in between.  

Yet, it’s been a while since some of these family members were on Xavier’s campus. Grandpa graduated in 1954; Aunt Carol hasn’t seen Cincinnati since your mother graduated in the 80s and while your dad’s been there to help with move-in, he considered you enough of a grown-up to “figure your sh*t out.” Campus has changed drastically, and if you need help catching them all up to speed: here’s your source. 

Beginning as they drive down Cleneay Ave. and avoiding the student housing opposite campus where your cousin Marissa’s ex Frank puked on a cop car during golf, you’ll find Flynn Hall and the XUPD.  

Now, while Grandma may be under the impression that the Xavier University Police Department would be fighting crime similar to the cops on NCIS, you may want to tell her to hold on to her dentures as your family passes them in their new uniforms, manning XUPD’s 24/7 barbecue grill.  

Gone are those clunky, bulletproof uniforms; the XUPD has undergone a rebrand and now sports some stylish aprons with the corniest grill puns only the Jesuit priests could’ve made up. Instead of their traditional weapon belt, these trad-husbands are equipped with the sturdiest spatulas for flipping those burgers & hot dogs, putting SpongeBob to shame in the process.  

Crime really is more of a side-gig for the force, and they’ve learned from the influential crime fighters like Guy Fieri and Gordon Ramsay that you can turn your passion into a true career. You might want to move on before Uncle Bob leaves to join in drinking a beer with those “rad” dudes. 

With the family wanting to unpack, it’s time to take them to their hotel. Luckily for them, you’ve booked them into Xavier’s newest & hottest hotel, Brockman Hall. After sitting vacant for a year, VP for Student Affairs Kimberly Moore took inspiration from the recent acquisition of University Station to get the university set up with another little source of revenue to keep the lights on.  

Currently in its test stages, your family gets to be the founding customers for this new and nostalgic venture for them. Your mom reminisces and tells you how she remembers her ex-boyfriend going for a shower after working out without a spare set of clothes. Which, lead to the most awkward couple’s clothes swap she still has nightmares about.  

While the family unpacks in the state-of-the-art built-ins provided, you may want to tell them about the future plan for the hotel to double as housing for Xavier’s Greek life, since it’ll HIGHLY impact their staynext year: with your cousin Emily pledging to Tri Delta on the spot and Aunt Lucy getting angry when the frat guys above her room keep yelling about the UFC fight on Saturday night.  

Before giving them the experience of the century by showing Xavier’s newest change, here are some places to recommend to them while you’re in class on Friday and/or running your mandatory student errands during the weekend: 

• Center for Innovation/The Loop: Recently partnered with the In the Loop club on campus to provide AI education to old folks & help them knit sweaters. Good for Grandma since she’s still convinced that Mitch McConnell wasn’t in the hospital at all after seeing an AI video of him jumping out of a plane and making a flip on a trampoline in the middle of the ocean. 

• Smith Hall/Williams College of Business: Tell them to avoid. Aunt Carol will be convinced to invest all her life savings into Kalshi bets and that’s going to end really badly for her. 

• College of Osteopathic Medicine: Emphasize that it is NOT open yet. Your family will end up at the front door anyways after Grandpa couldn’t handle the stairs anymore. Your mom ran him over to the buildingthinking it was a hospital, after the Muskie Swagon couldn’t offer them a ride, with no indication of the TriHealth clinic existing in the HUB. 

• Health United Center (HUB)/Gym: Your bodybuilder cousin Eddie will love this place; however, your workout will be two times longer since he’s obsessed with getting in his progress pics in front of the locker room mirrors to show women and prove he’s “tough”.  

Before your family must depart, give them a night they’ll never forget: Sunday night with Xavier’s newest attraction. Realizing that her approval rating was low among students and in an attempt to make herself seem “in-touch,” Xavier President & our Lord and Savior Colleen M. (Mother) Hanycz has taken the nickname for the Thomas J. Hailstones Hall, Hellstones, and made it into a real haunted house! Filled with creepy crawlies and scary frights, this attraction will make your family rethink ever going back to Kings Island for Haunt ever again.  

Before the night is over, you’ll catch your older brother Tony revenge-scaring the actors paid to spook up the place, Uncle Bob needing & bringing a beer (despite being against the rules) and your mother nearly fainting as a prop skeleton accidentally falls on her while riding down the long ramp in the roll-y chairs. 

All for One Weekend will soon be upon us, so prepare now. Block out that weekend and prepare to live by the Dining Hall food. Members of your family haven’t seen this campus in years, and they’re looking for more than just the tour. They need YOU to tell them what each building does.