By: Henry Eden ~Simpering Idiot~

While stopping by campus to visit his son Connor during a short business trip to Cincinnati, Xavier dad Walt Smitts reportedly struggled to navigate his way through Hoff Dining Commons.

After touring some of the buildings on campus, Smitts was eager to see the cafeteria.

“I’m dying to see where Connor hangs out and eats with his buddies,” Smitts said.

The first sign of trouble came when Smitts first entered the cafeteria by walking past a line of students queuing to swipe their All Cards. After being tracked down by an employee, he paid the $14 lunch rate.

“I pay enough money to this school already,” said Smitts when the meal plan system was explained to him by his son. “I think I should be able to grab a coke if I want one.”

Smitts set his ball cap and jacket down at a nearby table and joined the line of students waiting for a drink during the Tuesday lunch rush.

“Gosh, this looks neat,” Smitts remarked as he approached the front of the line.

After 30 seconds of figuring out the necessary finger pressure needed to select one of the machine’s options, Smitts appeared frustrated.

“What the heck? Where did they make this thing? Mars?” Smitts muttered as he repeatedly pressed the button, without having made a final selection.

Frustrated senior Steve Richardson reportedly leaned over Smitts shoulder in an attempt to expedite the process.

“You have to pick one of the flavors before it will work,” Richardson explained. “You have orange, cherry, raspberry and cherry vanilla.”

After Smitts stated that he just wanted a “regular old Coke,” Richardson selected the option for him and instructed him to use the button to dispense the drink.

Moments later, Tom McKinley, father of touring student Sarah McKinley, also struggled to decipher the various combinations of carbonated and and low-calorie beverages offered in the machine. Smitts, walking by after being scolded by workers when trying to serve himself a French-dip sandwich, noticed the trouble.

“It’s a bit tricky. You have to select the type of drink you want and then select again if you want a certain flavor,” Smitts advised his fellow father.

“I had trouble my first time around,” Smitts said to the group of prospective students and parents on the tour with the McKinleys. “Nothing was this complicated when we were in school!”

The two reportedly shared a lengthy chuckle while McKinley continued to hold up the line for the machine.