By: Hana Danger Priscu ~Expert Storm Chaser/Purple Belt

11In an official report released today by NASA, a meteorite roughly 1.5 times the size of Uranus is on a collision course straight toward Earth. The meteorite, nicknamed “Deep Impact,” is set to make contact on April 31 this year, leaving little to nothing in its wake.

With only weeks to live, people are reacting in varying ways. After hearing the report, Justin Bieber live-tweeted himself boarding R&B singer Usher’s space shuttle this afternoon before realizing that no one cared anymore. Donald Trump planned to leave this evening on his own private shuttle; however, a Girls Inc. protest outside his home is currently preventing him from making his escape.

In addition to the giant space geode plummeting toward Earth’s surface, a massive storm system is brewing over the Pacific Ocean that is capable of reaching land in California and spanning the United States, Canada and Mexico. The increased temperatures have spurned heat lightning storms in some areas, and wildfires have become increasingly probable with each passing day.

1While these may seem to be completely hopeless circumstances, NASA claims that better conditions are on the horizon. As the meteorite draws closer, its flame-doused surface will bring with it a pleasant tropical climate globally before heating further into subtropical, and then volcanic conditions.

In these trying times, many people have attempted to outsmart the meteorite by building bomb shelters. However, NASA President, Hugh Janus, insists that this will be highly ineffective.

“The meteorite will hit the Earth with a force that we are currently unable to measure. Our machines don’t have enough number slots…real design flaw. No bomb shelter from your run-of-themill WikiHow is going to stand up to that,” Janus said.

1For step-by-step instructions on how to build a lovely bomb shelter of your very own, see the sidebar (courtesy of WikiHow).