By: Abrena Rowe ~Wyoming Cattle Whisperer~

Thanks to the basketball team, Xavier has seen a drastic decrease in enrollment since the loss against Wisconsin. Incoming freshmen for the 2016-17 year have reported they’d rather attend Villanova University if they are to subject themselves to a religious institution for college.

“I personally see myself amongst winners for my future, no offense,” an ignorant high schooler said. “And the fact that Villanova made it to the Final Four just puts them above Xavier for me right now.”

To make up for the unforeseen losses, Xavier tour guides are being forced into lying to their groups as they show them what it’s like to be “men and women for others.”

Tour guides are selling Xavier as an institution that is priced reasonably and affordably, hiding the fact that as soon as students commit to Xavier, most are forced to take out loans that their grandchildren will be paying for.

“You’ll receive multiple in-app notifications through the Xavier app that can be downloaded through the Google Play Store or the Android App Store,” a tour guide claims. “You’ll know when your classes begin and end and when a professor is going to be late so you don’t have to get out of bed and can sleep that extra five minutes. The app lets you know when your laundry is ready, and if you’re the person who just leaves their clothes in a machine for hours, the app also notifies you when someone is putting your clothes on top of the machine!”

“It is top-of-the-line technology that only Xavier has. It keeps you tapped into the community more than any other school around. You know exactly what’s happening at all times.”

Recently, tour guides have been pushing the concert series that SAC has been putting on for the students, selling nosebleed seats at a discounted price so students have an opportunity to experience the music culture that Cincinnati has to offer. When sold this way, it falls a little flat, so Tour guides have taken a slightly different approach in their marketing of this amazing experience.

Tour guides have recently been caught in their lies, telling incoming freshmen that the tickets being offered are floor seats and there is the chance of being lucky enough to win a back stage pass to meet their musical idol, Beyoncé.

“The Student Activities Association, better known as SAC, has the largest sack … of money amongst clubs, so of course they offer amazing opportunities like this for the students.”

When approached about the lies, the Admissions Office denied all claims made against them.

“We would never spread anything false about Xavier, nothing we don’t believe the school is capable of doing. All for one and one for all!”