What does SGA do?

By: Luke Byerly & Llama ~Socrates Wannabes~

1In a brilliant effort to benefit the Xavier community, SGA has come up with the groundbreaking Initiative Four, which aims to improve the Xavier experience.

This initiative contains no known proposals for actual changes and is estimated to cost $19.2 trillion, which may slightly raise t uition.

Many students, however, are concerned about the changes that may or may not be happening.

“These changes will possibly impact everybody, in ways which I literally cannot describe! We demand answers from whomever is involved in this initiative, and we will not quit until we get them! Rabble rabble rabble rabble,” Roger Jenkins, Xavier Alumnus of 1916 who lives in Brockman, said.

Dustin Lewis, Associate Director of Student Involvement and Director of Student Uninvolvement, responded to these concerns in a heartfelt letter that was found hidden on campus in an Easter egg.

“When students become aware of any potential change, they become very flustered and violent. To avoid these feelings of panic and revolution among the students, we take extensive measures to shroud our actions from the general public and even ourselves,” Lewis said.

The new initiative is scheduled to be put into action at some point, and the changes will start some time in the future, though students probably won’t really notice these changes until some time after that.

According to the SGA website, this initiative will change the way students see Xavier, possibly hinting at giving students glasses, or something.

Fr. Michael Graham was able to give some insight on what the initiative will include when interviewed by an eager Newswire employee.

“No comment,” Graham said.

Graham is not the only official involved in this initiative, but since I put off writing this article until two hours before it was due, I didn’t really try to find who else is spearheading this initiative. Thankfully, I was able to scour the Internet to find a post by SGA that addressed student concerns.

In an encoded message displayed on his Myspace page, an official broke the silence about what goes on in SGA meetings.

“It all starts with a group discussion between SGA members. After chanting a blood oath, we throw darts at a board and implement whatever they land on.” The official, Jason Zepeda, asked to remain anonymous for his own safety and the safety of his family.

He lives on Victory Parkway in the bright blue house.

The code to his alarm is 3524.

Not much is known about this initiative, but it is sure to change everything and make Xavier something.