By: Savin Mattozzi ~Occasional Environmentalist~

Energy Transfer Partners CEO, Kelcy Warren has expressed great enthusiasm at the continued efforts of President Donald Trump to continuously and consistently undermine the environment and human life.

“I could not be more excited that our current president is even more of an asshole than I thought he would be,” Warren said in an exclusive interview with the Newswire.

Trump signed executive orders in late January to push forward on construction for both the Dakota Access Pipeline and the Keystone XL pipeline, proving once again he just doesn’t give a shit.

“The way he just signs executive orders that negatively effect millions of people and have irreversible effects on the environment is awe-inspiring,” Warren said while wiping the blood left behind from his raw veal appetizer off of his mouth.

“Some people are complaining that ‘Oh, you went through sacred burial grounds to build the pipeline, and oh, your missionaries injured hundreds of peaceful protesters who were just trying to protect their land.’ What they don’t understand is just how fragile my White masculinity is. I mean, natives standing up and costing my company millions of dollars just so they can live? Don’t they understand how attacked that makes me feel?”

Warren was interrupted by his butler bringing out the main course of sautéed infant hands with a side of puppy eyes on a large, round stone, presumably from the burial ground that was allegedly desecrated.

“As I was saying, when people stand up to me, I feel threatened. So, naturally, I had to attack them because of my own insecurities, and because I honestly, and deeply, just don’t give a shit about them.

“Now, with this new administration, we have a whole group of people at the top of our government who just care about making money despite the massive amount of collateral damage it may cause. My prayers have finally been answered.”