By: Kevin Thomas ~Slowly Dying and OK with that~
After spending a majority of the last six months in the spotlight, the Pizza ATM has become camera shy and will refuse and cower away from any interviews or media coverage.
According to a statement from a spokesperson for the ATM, it just needs some time out of sight to relax.
“The ATM has been very busy with interviews since getting installed,” Aubrey Walker, the Pizza ATM’s spokesperson, said in a statement to media outlets over the weekend. “It feels that it has been receiving a ridiculous amount of coverage in comparison to the millions of more important things happening around the world.”
The Pizza ATM was covered in as many as 112 online articles, 19 different TV news segments and a whopping 453 listicles and Buzzfeed articles, most of which are titled “20 Reasons Why I Love Xavier.” Its newfound reclusiveness follows a break-in and theft of several pizzas three weeks ago.
As a result of this cleverly executed and masterminded burglary, the ATM has spent the last few weeks going to court and being dogged by media. As a result of dealing with the stress from the burglary as well as the oversaturation of media coverage, the Pizza ATM has also begun having performance issues. Students have noticed pizzas coming out prematurely as well as slightly undercooked.
“I understand exactly what the ATM is going through,” first-year Jimmy Mack said. “I’ve been in some pretty stressful situations. This one time in high school — I played football, first-string quarterback — I scrambled 30 yards for the winning touchdown with no time left on the clock. It was pretty awesome.”
Walker disagreed with Mack, who felt the need to share the above anecdote during the statement.
“There has been international coverage of the Pizza ATM,” Walker said. “International coverage. There are war crimes being committed in Syria and people are focusing on a machine that distributes overpriced pizza. High school popularity is nothing like the overreaching worldwide media coverage that has afflicted this poor ATM.”
The Pizza ATM was unable to be reached for a comment.