Brain Teaser: Sudoku
Stress-Relief Coloring Page
Aries: You will be 54 degrees and partly cloudy. Wait, this isn’t a weather forecast?
Taurus: Check the mirror obsessively today. At some point, you’ll have food stuck in your teeth.
Gemini: Take a chance this Thursday at 6:03 p.m.
Cancer: The junk food gods are smiling down on you. Everything in the vending machine is free.
Leo: Every time you hear someone talk about how cold it is outside or how tired they are, you will receive a dollar. Congrats on being a millionaire!
Virgo: You will soon receive a high honor by having your face on a t-shirt. No word on if it is your good side…
Libra: You will fail to pay attention in any of your classes today for no reason whatsoever.
Scorpio: Look toward the west for guidance this week when you are feeling conflicted. Now stop, you look like a fool gazing toward nothing.
Sagittarius: Feeling bored or lonely? Call 513-745-2000 for a good time. (Note: this is XUPD’s non-emergency number, and you should not call them.)
Capricorn: Eat some spaghetti to forghetti your reghretti.
Aquarius: You will win in a Twitter feud with Chrissy Teigen, but Buzzfeed will write you as the villain for years to come.
Pisces: It’s someone’s birthday somewhere, so buy some cake and watch Netflix while sipping on a Capri Sun.
This post was assembled by Features Editor Monica Schweiger.