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Horoscopes

Aries: You will be 54 degrees and partly cloudy. Wait, this isn’t a weather forecast?

Taurus: Check the mirror obsessively today. At some point, you’ll have food stuck in your teeth.

Gemini: Take a chance this Thursday at 6:03 p.m.

Cancer: The junk food gods are smiling down on you. Everything in the vending machine is free.

Leo: Every time you hear someone talk about how cold it is outside or how tired they are, you will receive a dollar. Congrats on being a millionaire!

Virgo: You will soon receive a high honor by having your face on a t-shirt. No word on if it is your good side…

Libra: You will fail to pay attention in any of your classes today for no reason whatsoever.

Scorpio: Look toward the west for guidance this week when you are feeling conflicted. Now stop, you look like a fool gazing toward nothing.

Sagittarius: Feeling bored or lonely? Call 513-745-2000 for a good time. (Note: this is XUPD’s non-emergency number, and you should not call them.)

Capricorn: Eat some spaghetti to forghetti your reghretti.

Aquarius: You will win in a Twitter feud with Chrissy Teigen, but Buzzfeed will write you as the villain for years to come.

Pisces: It’s someone’s birthday somewhere, so buy some cake and watch Netflix while sipping on a Capri Sun.

This post was assembled by Features Editor Monica Schweiger.