- Felis Catus
- Small boi
- Pillow Pet
Aries: Stay clear of elevators this week.
Taurus: You will win an endless supply of caf lava cake, lucky you.
Gemini: Galileo was wrong, the Earth actually revolves around you.
Cancer: You will find $5 in your jacket pocket and then lose it in the wash.
Leo: You will end the government shutdown by turning it off and on again.
Virgo: You and Taurus will have a fight by the dumpsters, but you’ll go to the wrong dumpsters.
Libra: Now is a perfect time of the year to run away to Cabo.
Scorpio: You will win tickets to the Jonas Brothers reunion concert.
Sagittarius: Let your inner artist shine and dedicate your Saturday to Microsoft Paint.
Capricorn: Go sports! You will catch a Skyline parachute during the basketball game tonight.
Aquarius: Like the Mona Lisa, you’re a work of art. Well, according to the new Google app you are.
Pisces: You will change your first name to a major American city in solidarity with Kim’s new baby.
This post was assembled by Features Editor Monica Schweiger.