Features: “Christmas Tree Emoji Review,” “No Stress Christmas,” and Horoscopes – 12/5/18

Comic by anonymous


Christmas Tree Emoji Review


Apple – 8/10

Normally Apple turns lewks, stunts pretty, but this time she made a grave error with that exposed-ankle-style trunk. A nice floor mat would tie the piece together.


Google – 4/10

Someone found the gradient feature on a color picking website and went to town.


Microsoft – 3/10

For once, Microsoft’s emoji doesn’t look completely horrendous. You know what that is? Growth.


Samsung – 1/10

What kind of gluten-free gingerbread house, decaf pumpkin spice latte, antique Santa fine china, arguing for White Santa, waiting for carolers to finish, SUV filled with presents, tipsy off of eggnog White person decorated this tree?


WhatsApp – 2/10

Maybe WhatsApp is just undercompensating? It’s the only explanation for why their emojis continue to disappoint.


Twitter – 5/10

I’m not saying green ornaments on a green tree isn’t a look, but it’s not a look.


Facebook – 7/10

I want to give Facebook props for opting for the realistic fake-tree color that tons of Christmas trees have.


EmojiOne – 8/10

With those deep shadows and multi-color ornaments, this tree delivers more drama to the living room than your mom and your aunt arguing about the latter’s fourth divorce.


Emojidex – 6/10

While I appreciate the touch of snow on the trees, the ornaments draw me out of the realism. Nature doesn’t decorate, henny.


Messenger – 5/10

It’s very basic and simple but with good structure, like an apartment building before it gets painted.


LG – 1/10

(places hand on LG’s shoulder) It’s time to stop.


HTC – 0/10

I would say, “Jesus Christ” in response to this tree, but I think he would smite me for associating his name with something so atrocious.


Mozilla – 3/10

I wish I got paid thousands of dollars to stick random pieces of Post-Its together, scan it onto a Google Drive and call it an emoji.


SoftBank – 10/10

Now this is what a Christmas tree is supposed to look like. A strong mix of decorations, a bold style and realistic, vibrant colors turn this Christmas into Christyaaasss.


By: Trever McKenzie | Online Editor


No Stress Christmas

How to stay focused, stress-free and festive during finals!

Fuel your brain.

Enjoy relaxing foods and drinks such as candy canes or hot chocolate. Remember that you are going to need more than just these two suggestions to power through the last couple of days. Food is important, and you can’t survive on chips and soda. Hot drinks like hot chocolate help calm and slow down your mind. Peppermint, found in most candy canes, can promote concentration — something that you need for success during finals. Make smart choices that satisfy both your mind and your spirit this Christmas season!

Make a plan.

Now that the semester is nearing a close and classes become more optional, you can take advantage of the extra time by planning out how you are going to complete those last couple assignments. Take this time to help regain your motivation by thoroughly dividing each assignment into steps. For example, if you need to write an essay, make the steps extremely simple for you to accomplish. Not only will checking these off a list make you feel super studious, but you will find that you do have time throughout the day to plan out what you’re doing over break and buy any last minute Christmas gifts. If you plan out your assignments and activities now, you can seamlessly switch into full Christmas-mode once December 14 rolls around.

Go outside.

There seems to be this big misconception that if you aren’t studying each night, failure is inevitable. While this is true to an extent, mini-breaks in moderation are critical to getting anything done. If you need to take a break, go outside. Why outside? First, walking around campus is a great way to get pumped for Christmas and helps your brain reevaluate what you need to get done so you feel accomplished. You can look at the different decor while thinking about nothing except the upcoming month of freedom. Second, there is nothing more liberating than temporarily walking away from your problems. Being outside and breathing in that crisp December air allows for your brain to reset, your skin to absorb that much needed Vitamin D and is a natural way to remind yourself that the stress this week is temporary. Winter break is right around the corner — go outside and get excited! You got this!


By: Rose Hofstetter | Staff Writer


Horoscopes

Aries: As of Friday, it’ll be too late to pop into any club meetings. Lawless cult meetings are still alive and thriving though!

Taurus: After being forced to either eat in the caf or becoming broke from spending money elsewhere and starving as a result, you can finally yeet from campus soon.

Gemini: Plan A’s not gonna work, B’s not gonna work, C’s not gonna work and D’s definitely not gonna work. Plan not for plan E, but plan F. The stars’ plan F is to laugh ironically.

Cancer: You might have been lending an angelic hand to boost the GPA of yours peers, but don’t forget to fight for your own — especially at this important time.

Leo: You and your emotional support animal are on point this week. It doesn’t misbehave, it gets snacks, you get reduced stress levels… it’s a complete win-win.

Virgo: You might want to please your professors, but you can’t always do that or it doesn’t always work out, and that’s OK. It won’t matter once you’ve finished the class.

Libra: Try to watch for things that may come up unexpectedly — you’re especially vulnerable to it this week. One stolen laptop charger could throw off your entire week.

Scorpio: Give yourself a moment to stop and breathe. You’ll be alright. The worst that can happen is failing and having to retake a semester — which is really not that big a deal.

Sagittarius: There’s no time like this week to engage in a joint sobbing session with your fellow suffering students.

Capricorn: The stars know you like to trust your gut, but second-guessing may help you in your upcoming exams — but if your gut says you’re going to fail, it’s probably right.

Aquarius: The betta fish you got at the beginning of the semester is either dead by now, or you can’t take care of it and no one wants to take it for you. Hopefully the nearby creek isn’t frozen.

Pisces: If Aquarius is trying to deal with a betta fish, you probably feel like you are the betta fish. It’s not too late to pull a Finding Nemo and rebel, but be open to constructive dialogue.


This post was assembled by Features Editor Soondos Mulla-Ossman.

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