Features: “Sonnet to Prague,” “St. Patrick’s Day Emoji Review” and Horoscopes – 3/20/19

Sonnet to Prague

The Mother, Prague, has given me her veils, |
And I, her daughter, shift my hair beneath
My eyes, with clawèd sighs solemnly weep
And inebriate my eyes with teary ales.
Yet I, the simple seamstress, wish to wreathe
Motes of beauty in my garland crown
While my starlit eyes so shimmer down
The passageways of sky, the deathless sieve.
My Mother’s venom suffocates my vein
With silent castigations’ memory
Yet I break from her black iniquity
And from the heavens comes, the summer rain.

She chained me to her nightmare, to her bound,
Yet I broke free, with wisdom’s sunlit sound.


By: Sofie Simonet | Staff Writer


St. Patrick’s Day Emoji Review

Due to technical issues, we are not able to upload photos. You can view all emoji referenced here.


Apple – 10/10

The detail. The drama. The conflama. Apple served us Versace shamrock realness.


Google – 2/10

Okay Google, show me the picture definition of “low effort.”


Microsoft – 0/10

(gif of Oprah doing the “well duh” shrug)


Samsung – 3/10

I mean… okay. Whatever.


WhatsApp – 1/10

The only redeeming quality about this microscopic emoji is that there’s at least some effort on the leaf.


Twitter – 0/10

I’m sorry my dear, you are up for elimination.


EmojiOne – 3/10

There is nothing lucky about this emoji.


EmojiDex – 6/10

Miss Thang’s design isn’t phenomenal, but she definitely goes for the avant garde look with the different angles and the contoured stem.


Messenger – 8/10

Her leaf gloss be poppin’.


LG – 7/10

For some reason, this clover looks like she’s about to start twirling and fly off into the sun, which is a mood I aspire to.


HTC – -2/10

This emoji looks like what finding a pot of roaches at the end of the rainbow feels like.


Mozilla – 1/10

She’s got some interesting angles on the leaf, but that bland color choice? Mm. Sis.


SoftBank – 9/10

Whoever designs the SoftBank emojis deserves a raise. This shamrock is serving body ody ody.


au by KDDI – ???/10

Excuse me? Security! Who let this fake plant in?


Horoscopes

Aries: Be patient with your special someone. You think they’re going to be there, but they’re not there, so you have to try again another day. To whom am I referring? Your favorite caf cookie.

Taurus: Spring break may be to blame for losing touch with time management skills. There’s only one thing to do now: set 12,093,810,297,319,287 alarms.

Gemini: If you miss spring break, you could skip a whole week of school. That won’t be enough to fail you if you haven’t been skipping other classes, right?

Cancer: Be forgiving this week. If your professor still hasn’t graded something they said they’d do over break, remember that you probably didn’t want to do work then either.

Leo: You might be so fast-paced your peers can’t keep up with you. Take a breather and remember that extensions, excused absences, office hours and dropping out of school exist.

Virgo: Value things in life that don’t have price tags…except that’s kind of hard to do when you’re at risk of starving without some kind of school-provided food money.

Libra: The weather’s finally getting warmer! Maybe? Probably? Don’t place any weighty bets. For all we know, this could be another fake spring.

Scorpio: Um, where did spring break go? Why hasn’t college taught us how to make time machines? That’d be pretty useful right now.

Sagittarius: Check up on your plans and make sure they’re still in alignment with your interests. Like, for example, don’t go (or do go) into the areas that had an email spam of tornado warnings.

Capricorn: Who needs warm weather when Xavier has you? You could light up a room and heat up a stage, so make sure your confidence isn’t wavering this week.

Aquarius: Are you being expected to conform? Being made to wear closed-toe shoes when you only have super cute open-toe ones? Wear shoes so cute they’ll change the rules for you.

Pisces: If you’ve got that buddy who keeps taking your snacks and “forgets” to give anything back in return, disguise a gross alternative (like toothpaste in Oreos) and watch the madness.


This post was assembled by Features Editor Soondos Mulla-Ossman.