Features

Features: “The way the cookie crumbles,” “An ode to stick shifts” and Horoscopes – 3/6/19

The way the cookie crumbles

How your favorite girl scout cookies are a lie


All across the country, it’s finally the best time of the year: Girl Scout cookie season. Small children in green and brown sashes have begun hunkering down in grocery store entrances, and soon we’ll be seeing them in the Gallagher lobby, luring poor college students to boxes of Thin Mints that they’ll justify as a meal substitute. We’ll hand over four or five dollars for a box of Tagalongs or Samoas—or are they Peanut Butter Patties and Caramel deLites? 

So begins the great Girl Scout cookie debate. Depending on where you’re from, you grew up buying Shortbreads instead of Trefoils. Or, you only ever munched on Savannah Smiles and could never even recognize Lemonades. Even beloved Thin Mints vary in taste from Seattle to Philadelphia, or even Los Angeles to Sacramento.

Girl Scouts went from homemade cookies to commercial bakers in the 1930s, and today the organization supplies its cookies from two companies: ABC Bakers and Little Brownie Bakers. Here in Cincinnati, our cookies come from Little Brownie Bakers, which means we have chocolatier Thin Mints, Do-si-dos instead of Peanut Butter Sandwiches, and no Lemonades to be seen. But just across the river in Northern Kentucky, the selection is completely different.

Even though encountering different childhood treats can give us a serious case of my-life-is-a-lie, rest assured that you can still get your favorites here in the tri-state area with just a trip across the water.


By: Hannah Paige Michels | Staff Writer


An ode to stick shifts

As I gaze upon thee, little black stick, 

I wonder just why people’s heads are so thick.

They opt not for the pleasure of using you while driving, 

They ignore that singular thrill you’re inviting. 

It’s the thrill of shifting and feeling a car move

Whilst moving oneself and getting into a groove. 

The gears shift, and the car lurches ahead. 

Talking to you with its language of red 

RPM’s and lights galore, 

You and the car become one, something much more. 

And yet, alas, this connection most shall never feel,

For they opt for automatic transmission behind the wheel. 

Thankfully for us old-timers, there is still hope: 

Some companies still realize the stick shift is dope. 

They’re still making products with manual transmission

And to public outcry they’re refusing submission. 

So sing praise to the stick shift, and sing it loudly, 

Show off this old art, and show it off proudly.  


By: Ellen Siefke | Editor-in-chief


Horoscopes

Aries: You think you can get a handle on your spending this week? Haha, throw that thought out. Be prepared to bathe in the consequences of your impulsive decisions.

Taurus: Are you a plant? Because you’re doing great at turning over a new leaf. Are you a sunflower? Because your renewed energy this week can light up whole rooms.

Gemini: You may find yourself stunningly good at rock-paper-scissors this week. Now, if only that luck-based skill could transfer to guessing answers correctly on exams…

Cancer: Be wary of noticing things on campus that are super arbitrary and just a tiny bit inconvenient for you, but still super annoying, like a campus printer running out of paper.

Leo: Don’t put in partial effort this week. Do it all, or do nothing. Like Dumbledore said, you have two options: the right one or the easy one. Do you really wanna disappoint Dumbledore?

Virgo: Speak out like Tyler the Creator birthday guy from the Vine: “So you just gon’ bring me a birthday gift on my birthday to my birthday party on my birthday with a birthday gift?”

Libra: You thought you were in checkmate, but now they’re in checkmate. And by they, I mean all the piled up homework assignments you thought you wouldn’t finish before spring break.

Scorpio: College is a lot like when someone breaks into your car. Unexpected, costly and terrifying. Huh? What do you mean this college allegory can actually happen to you in college?

Sagittarius: It’s okay to want to yeet from your routine, but make sure you know where you want to yeet to. Yeeting is no yeeting good if you don’t yeet and get yote.

Capricorn: Go against the grain for once to keep the spice in your life alive. Be that one Vine guy who orders McDonald’s in the drive-through: “Hi, can I help you?” “…No,” and drive off.

Aquarius: It’s always a nice surprise when something doesn’t malfunction at home for once. All the lights work, all the plumbing is fine, the heating is gucci… don’t jinx it for yourself.

Pisces: Your field of study might already be something you’re interested in, but don’t pigeonhole yourself to it. If you live in Smith, just wander into any building that’s not Smith.


This post was assembled by Features Editor Soondos Mulla-Ossman.