Features: “Where you sit in the caf and what it says about you” and Horoscopes – 3/27/19

Main corridor – You aren’t afraid of awkwardly spotting someone from your Manresa group across the room. Heck, you might even strike up a conversation yourself. ROTC, the swim team and RAs thrive in this area.

Island high top tables – You are popular, in a hurry or Father B. Maybe all three.

Tables and booths on the carpet – Small, introverted friend groups or folks studying from the comfort of the cushions. People who sit here either stare at their phones or stare out the window.

“Last Supper” tables (seat 10) – Simple, you’re either a friend group of first-years who still manage to find time that they’re all free or you’re the track/cross-country team.

Peninsula tables (seat 8) – core friend groups. These tables are big enough to accommodate all the folks who still have meal plans (or that you slid your All Card to), but only those who have weathered the storm of friend drama.  

“Sitcom” booths –  Friends who value comfort but don’t mind shuffling around whenever someone needs to get another plate of mac and cheese. Also for folks who need an outlet to study.

High tops – Either you’re an awkwardly small group or you take up almost every seat. No one ever fills all eight seats perfectly. You are right below a speaker, so someone will sing along to the caf playlist.

Single tables – You might be on an ironic date. You’re self-conscious enough that you don’t want to take up more seats than you need, but not so self-conscious that you won’t sit where it is obvious that you’re alone.

By bathroom – You enjoy seclusion or you want to kick it back with the caf workers.

Booths by the pasta line – You are oblivious or reckless. Do you realize that if a tour started ransacking the caf that you would be trapped or have to fight your way out? If you stick around during pasta rush hour your mental fortitude is beyond my comprehension. You may identify with Hobbits, moles and other creatures that live in cozy nooks.


By: Heather Gast | Campus News Editor


Horoscopes

Aries: Don’t depend on luck to come your way this week, but appreciate it if it comes. Like when a class you didn’t do the homework for gets cancelled.

Taurus: You may notice you have a social groove going on this week. You’ll be like that Vine girl who sings, “Country boy, I love youuuu, ahhhwwelhwh…” except it’ll actually sound good.

Gemini: Your professional life must be guzzling down Monster energy drinks or chugging coffee or something, because it’s on a wild ride. Make sure it doesn’t crash like a NASA rocket.

Cancer: Who cares about what’s realistic? Eating two whole Pizza ATM pizzas may not sound realistic, but if you’re hungry and it’s 3 a.m., why let society dictate what you do?

Leo: If anyone thinks they can mess with your vibe this week, just quote the old lady from this one Vine: “Honey, you got a big storm comin’.” And then do that step n’ snap she did.

Virgo: A pen? A pencil? Some gum? A paper? Whatever a classmate forgot and happens to need, you got it. Rock it, pop it and lock it like the boss you are.

Libra: Treat. Yo. Self. This. Week. You need it and the stars know you need it, and if you don’t think you need it you’re wrong.

Scorpio: Your previous weeks may have consisted of constant internal screaming. That may not necessarily change this week either, but at least dress up and try to look cute.

Sagittarius: You better take care of business while you’ve still got the motivation, cause at some point this week you may crash and burn and dissolve into the void where no one can find you.

Capricorn: The end of the semester is approaching fast. Help a squirrel find the nuts it’s buried or trick birds into thinking you’re a mate with your sharp whistling skills.

Aquarius: You may have no fear this week. You’re practically the toddler from this one Vine who has a nerf gun pointed at his face, looks at the camera and goes, “Shoot me.”

Pisces: It’s time to crawl out of that deep pit that is procrastination and inactivity. It’s painful and probably makes you want to wish Easter Break is here already, but sadly necessary.


This post was assembled by Features Editor Soondos Mulla-Ossman