Aprils Fools

Bleetures: “You could be a murderer if you sit here in the Caf,” “Emoji review: angry faces,” “A Limerick to Soondos” and Horoscopes – 4/3/19

You could be a murderer if you sit here in the Caf

On Thursday a long Twitter thread from Kathleen Zellner, the attorney for Making a Murderer, brought news about the Xavier community to light. Through several tweets it was discovered that many Xavier students were involved in a famous murder. After investigation from the Xavier University Police Department (XUPD), it was found that these students have one thing in common: when they go to the Caf, they sit in the pasta line booths.

The Xavier Caf is separated into several sections. One of those sections is a small nook in the back of the Caf near the pasta line booths. This area is small and home to three booths. Because of the small size, it is unknown what happens there.

“I always see the strangest people sitting in those booths,” pasta line worker Pete said. “It’s like they sit there for hours and stare at the wall.”

Zellner took to Twitter to reveal new information about Teresa Halbach’s murder that, according to her, fans didn’t see on the Netflix show. Zellner pointed fingers at certain Xavier University students that sit in the pasta line booths in the Caf.

She tweeted Thursday morning, “I’m going to walk you through some of the investigation that you didn’t see in the show.”

Though it cannot be confirmed, it can be inferred that strange happenings in the pasta line booths either breed murderers or draw murderers in.

Zellner explained that those Caf line sitters were a part of this murder. Season three of Making a Murderer is set to film at Xavier in late 2019. Further investigation is underway and the pasta line booths in the Caf have been closed indefinitely. 


By: Bridget Walsh | Conspiracy Theorist


Emoji Review: angry faces

U-Uh… hi everyone. It’s T-Trever again. I’m, um, h-here to review emojis. But, I am d-definitely, uh, not in any danger or a-anything. N-No one has g-gotten mad at me for, like, being s-so darn harsh in my p-previous reviews o-or anything. So, u-uh, please don’t get worried if I s-seem scared! I’m just so n-nervous because I, llike, want this emoji review to be perfect for you! S-So, like, c-calm down, because here we g-go.

To s-see all the e-emoji I’m reviewing, c-click here. To see t-the g-guns they’re holding, click h-here.

Apple – 10/10

Oh w-wow, Apple, you really did g-good this time. Y-Yes, I actually d-do think that!

G-Google – 10/10

You look r-really angry, Google. I h-hope you l-like getting rated 10. G-Great work!

Microsoft – 10/10

T-Thank you for making such a g-good e-emoji this time, M-Microsoft. I love it s-so much.

Samsung – 10/10

Y-you clear put a l-lot of effort i-into this emoji, Samsung. I-I’m so proud of y-you.

WhatsApp – 10/10

H-Haha, r-remember w-when I used to call you s-small? L-Look at you now! NO NO NO NOT THE CHAIR—

Twitter – 10/10

Uhhhhhhhh… w-where am I? O-OH! T-TWITTER! HI! W-Wow, you l-look like a well-designed e-emoji, t-that’s for c-certain.

emojidex – 10/10

Y-You just look… s-so displeased. I l-love it! It’s a r-really good look for you.

LG – 10/10

You have to help me, I gave you decent ratings, you can’t – NO HTC I WASN’T TALKING TO LG! PLEASE!

HTC – 10/10

LET ME GO! YOU CAN’T DO THIS!

Mozilla – 10/10

Mfmfmmfmmfmmpfmhmmphfmfmmfmh!

SoftBank – 10/10

(sound of duct tape ripping) Please let me go, I don’t have $10 million, I can’t even afford a free pizza at Dominos.


By: Trever McKenzie | Totally Not Kidnapped


A Limerick to Soondos

the Newswire staff is mostly cool
but one member is worse than a juul
she’s the editor I hate
she really ain’t great
the Features Editor is a fool
newspapers used to rake muck
and each week we try our luck
yet there is one page
that fills me with rage
it’s the Features page, and it sucks
filling each page with color and rhyme
whose authors think are most sublime
but poems aren’t news
they give me the blues
Soondos, a quality page isn’t a crime
i hope you’ve liked my story
and i’ve given an inventory
of the failures i see
in a page unsatisfactory
fire Soondos and return this paper to glory

By: Brian Kambick | Opinions Guy


Horoscopes

Airy: You’re finna die.

Tour Bus: Drop out of school. You ain’t making it.

Gummini: You won’t make it through the gemi-night.

Cancer: Cancer.

Leia Organa: The car you’ll get hit by won’t be one that covers your tuition.

Vape: Not even memes can save your depression.

Book: Ope.

Skorupi: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Saggy Tourist: honestly idc

Capri Sun: Your life is Iowa. Corny.

Water Dinosaur: Water sign, right? Yeah. Uh. Stay thirsty or something.

Pesto Sauce: Isfslkawedicn


A flying turnip assembled this page