Features: “Your Coffee Guide to Finals,” “D.A.K.” & Horoscopes – 4/24/19

Your Coffee Guide to Finals

Stress Level: 0-4

Your Motivation is Fueled by: 1-2 group projects, 0-3 essays or reflections and 2 sudden emails about grades being updated on Canvas.

Due Date: May 3, meaning you have plenty of time or are waiting until the last minute.

Coffee of Choice: anything caramel or covered in chocolate, limit to 2-3 cups within a 24-hour period. No espresso.

Reason: Let’s face it, the amount of work you have is enough to put you on your toes, but isn’t as serious as it could be. You probably planned this out for months now. Your coffee of choice should reflect your ability to plan, check off your to-do list and have a solid sleep schedule. Hot chocolate, mocha, caramel latte or machiattos are clearly the obvious choice. Enjoy the rewards of all your hard work. You deserve it.

Quote: “Hobbies? Organizing my agenda. Wait, that doesn’t sound fun. Jammin’ on my planner.” – Leslie Knope, Parks & Recreation

Stress Level: 5-8

Your Motivation is Fueled by: 3-5 group projects (wait, really?), 3-5 essays with citations, and a budding friendship with midnight deadlines.

Due Date: This week, today or right now. Will get back to you.

Coffee of Choice: Caffeine one way or another, any combination of cappuccino or espresso mixed with water such as an iced coffee or an Americano.

Reason: You still have things together a little bit, as you are prioritizing your basic needs such as water. Combining coffee with water kills two birds with one stone. On one hand, coffee dehydrates you, but the addition of ice or water balances it out so you are neither losing water or retaining it. Plus, it’s coffee. This balance on the verge of total collapse is exactly what you need right now, which is why you can reach for a cappuccino on the good days or iced coffee on the busy days. Either choice is also a great photo op for your Instagram, so you can rest assured that you won’t be sacrificing your social life while sacrificing sleep.

Quote: “Should I sleep or shower? I could sleep in the shower, but I’m also starving.” – Christina Yang, Grey’s Anatomy

Stress Level: 9-10

Your Motivation is Fueled by: 5+ group projects, enough essays for you to forget which ones you’re writing at the same time, being scared of the sunlight like a vampire and cereal for breakfast, lunch and dinner

Due Date: Wait, today is Wednesday? No, it’s Theology paper. Then tomorrow is Presentation Day. After that it’s Statistics Test.

Coffee of Choice: Espresso, espresso, espresso

Reason: Espresso might as well be renamed to espresGO. If you need the energy, then this one is your friend. Anything can be done if you have enough caffeine to power your way through it. If you need the extra boost, try espresso instead of the usual coffee. Dilute it with milk or creamer so it’s not as strong. Then you’ll be able to drink more without the horrible side effects of dehydration. This also allows you to mix it up so you won’t be bored by one drink all day.

Quote: “You can’t just give up. Is that what a dinosaur would do?” – Joey Tribbiani, Friends

By: Rose Hofstetter | Staff Writer


I wish I could distill some wisdom.
Pour out the years in rhythm over ice
And offer you the future with a big slice of lemon.
We’d sip it in the garden and I’d tell you a useful parable.

Midwestern winters are cold,
And come on the wings of the geese
Carried by autumn’s orange settling.
But you know that.

Allow me to offer this
To satisfy some semblance of duty
Or kindness
Or pride.

As emberly gales lift the
Aged leaves across a harvest moon,
Hold tight and turn your expectant eyes north.
It seems our glasses are dry.

By: Ryan Kambich | Opinions & Editorials Editor


Aries: Feel free to listen to advice from other people, but it might not stop the chaos of a Vine that goes, “HoW dO yOu kNoW wHaT’s gOoD fOr mE?” “THAT’S MY OPINIONNN!!!”

Taurus: Food insecure because of no Dining Dollars? That’s a mood. Beg school administrators for food—they’re the ones responsible for enacting the policies you’re living with, after all.

Gemini: You might have a “love to learn” bug. Use this to your advantage by binge-studying for finals—and laugh in the face of those who made fun of you when you end up with better grades.

Cancer: Honey, if you keep too much tea, it’ll spill over and that’ll be a mess you don’t want to see. Find someone trustworthy with whom to sip tea so it doesn’t get to that point.

Leo: Taking extra measures to protect your privacy could save a life. Like. Y’know, not using the same password for literally everything.

Virgo: Work/classes might be getting to you this week. Diffuse that stress by smashing something fragile you don’t really care about.

Libra: It might be a big risk vs. reward week for you. The stars advise you take risks, even if that’s not something you do. Eat that extra cookie. Climb that extra set of stairs. Do the thing.

Scorpio: Ahhhhh, who doesn’t love a wild identity crisis so late in the semester? Scorpios, that’s who! Just hold out for a few more weeks—summer will be here before you know it.

Sagittarius: Honesty is the best policy this week. Be honest even if it sounds unrealistic, like you went to the Cincinnati Zoo and had your homework stolen by a monkey. 

Capricorn: If you’re lacking in spare funds, consider smuggling Girl Scout cookies as a side gig. The best time to sell them is when everyone is stress eating for finals, after all.

Aquarius: Easter Break came and went WAY too soon. You probably want it back. Well. Time to put that college education of yours to use by building a time machine.

Pisces: No, you don’t want to “do it for the Vine.” Even if it could end up referenced by the Features Page of a Jesuit University’s campus newspaper one day.

This post was assembled by Features Editor Soondos Mulla Ossman.