Features

Summer Horoscopes

Aries: The stars predict you’ll end your summer on a perfectly average note: not too good or bad, just average.

Taurus: If you want a unique day, you’ll need to try a unique approach. Try some jazzercise.

Gemini: Venus and Mars were so close to aligning to say that you’re gonna win the lottery, but then they just missed. Better luck next time.

Cancer: Take a risk today! OK, obviously don’t go crazy and go commit crimes or something, but take a mild risk. Well, now that just sounds lame. Take a moderate risk, right in the middle.

Leo: Everyday can be Nathan’s annual hot dog eating contest if you change your name to Joey Chestnut and eat 70 hot dogs.

Virgo: Some people will tell you to cross bridges when you get to them, while others will tell you to burn bridges. Well, the stars are telling you that this month you should burn your bridges.

Libra: The position of Jupiter recommends you fix your t-shirt tan before school starts. I mean seriously dude, your legs look like some Neapolitan ice cream.

Scorpio: Here’s a tip: if you don’t think you have any school work to complete over the summer, you’re probably wrong. I didn’t think I had any work, but here I am, writing these horoscopes.

Sagittarius: You may feel inspired to share a crazy dream you had last night, but it actually meant nothing and will only bore and confuse everyone. Maybe talk about the weather instead.

Capricorn: The results are in, and the stars have chosen your movie of the summer: they say you should watch Jaws 5: Cruel Jaws! For some reason they choose that every summer.

Aquarius: Give the cold shoulder to any Virgos or Leos you know, and if they ask why, say “Oh, you know.”

Pisces: Your summer will be a lot like Stranger Things season 3: overhyped, but fine.

Categories: Features

Tagged as: