Another year at Xavier University has begun and that means plenty of returning students, new and old. If you’re a newbie, whether because you’re a first-year or because you just transferred, then welcome! We always love new faces at Xavier. Well, so long as you punks play by the rules.
That’s the thing about Xavier: if you don’t know what you’re doing your first few weeks here, you’ll get eaten alive. It’s like Shark Tank up on this campus, but instead of having your dreams crushed by some old millionaire you can have a lively conversation with an old priest.
But the students can be deadly if you act up — and this goes for returning kids, too. Don’t think you’re safe just because you’ve “been coming to this school for 4 years”. That’s laughable. What you need to do is listen and take to heart the following advice from someone who’s been here one year.
Without further ado, here are the do’s and don’ts of the Xavier campus:

Do: Ask the guys in the sandwich line to surprise you. Whatever you get will be super good.
Don’t: Hold up the line ordering your insanely complicated double-layered gluten-free sandwich with guac with melted cheese and like every meat they have to offer cooked a different way. People are tryna eat, man.

Do: Stop and have a chat with Father B.
Don’t: Ask him if he’s moving out of Husman. It’s a sensitive topic.

Don’t: Skateboard down that ramp behind Alter Hall like a rascal — no matter how sick it looks
Do: Skateboard at one of the many nearby parks, just as Saint Francis Xavier would have done himself.

Don’t: Drain all your blood in a sacrificial ritual to lord Xenu.
Do: Donate some of your blood to the Red Cross when their van comes through.

Don’t: Take silverware and plates from the caf.
Do: Give silverware and plates to the caf. People keep stealing the forks!

Do: Read the Newswire. At least give it a glance, dude.
Don’t: Refer to the Newswire as “the paper that no one reads.” It hurts our feelings.

Don’t: Seriously, I cannot stress this enough, DO NOT print before the person ahead of you has picked up their papers. If they’re printing a 116-page essay on the implications of the internal hierarchy of the 1986 presidential cabinet, your three page syllabus is just gonna be tagged on at the end. Do you really want to make them sort through their papers for your silly syllabus?
Do: Massage the shoulders of the person ahead of you in line. They need all the help they can get.

Do: Consider studying abroad!
Don’t: Consider studying a broad!

Don’t: Study on the top floor of Schott. That spot is mine.
Do: Study literally anywhere else. The library’s got plenty of room.

Do: Briefly marvel at Elliot dancing on the Husman stage.
Don’t: Stare too long. A star that bright can burn your eyes.

Don’t: Go to the nursing students with your medical problem. They’ve got enough on their plates already.
Do: Go to the brand new Health United Building opening this January! No wait — August? No, no, wait, December! Wait, no, it’s uhh… ah, screw it.

Do: Attend mass at Bellarmine chapel every Sunday.
Make Sure You: Hang around when the service finishes so you can get those brownie points with your classmates, and hopefully, the Lord.

By Aidan Callahan | Features Editor