Another year has begun here at Xavier, bringing with it a brand new Newswire staff. Now, we’re fully aware of how attached you all got to the editors last year; they were quite the dream team. All they left behind was us, a ragtag gang of misfits forced to cobble together a weekly newspaper with only what we have lying around the office. Which, to be fair, is a lot. I just wanted to use the phrase “cobble together.”
But this ragtag gang dreams of reaching the same levels as last year’s staff, meaning we need to form a strong bond with you, our dear readers. The final issue last semester had a list of our names, but it didn’t really let you know who we truly are. So, just to quickly get you acquainted, here’s a list of all the editors with the three most important facts about them: their name, their role and if they would have survived Thanos’ snap in Infinity War.
Name: Kevin Thomas
Kevin is definitely the Tony Stark of the group, down to the facial hair. He’s also the character who’s been around the longest, but he still hasn’t finished his character arc. So, he definitely needs to stick around for Endgame so that he can do something heroic.
Name: Heather Gast
Role: Managing Editor
As Kevin’s second-in-command, Heather is the Cap to Kevin’s Iron Man. While she has already basically wrapped up her character arc, she’d still probably survive so we could see that Heather/Kevin dynamic we missed in Infinity War, since Heather was on the run from the government at that time.
Name: Alex Budzynski
Role: Campus News Editor
The young, starry-eyed new recruit set out to work his way up and maybe someday become the new Iron Man. But you know what’s coming: He falls down into Kevin’s arms and says, “Mr. Thomas, I don’t feel so good…” Still gets me teary-eyed every time.
Name: Jack Dunn
Role: U.S. and World News Editor
This guy is 100 percent the Black Widow of the staff. He’s definitely surviving to Endgame; he has to do something big to redeem himself for all the bad things he did back in Russia.
Name: Sydney Sanders
Role: Opinions & Editorials Editor
Someone who just swoops in out of absolutely nowhere and just happens to be really good at the job? Sounds like Captain Marvel or Sydney Sanders. Look, I’m all for strong female characters, I just think it’s a little rude when War Machine asks, “How do we know that this time won’t go exactly the same as last time?” and Sydney’s all like, “Because last time you didn’t have me.” Come on now.
Name: Luke Feliciano
Role: Sports Editor
Luke’s got the sense of humor of Drax and the strong throwing arm of Bucky. So, either way, he’s gone.
Name: Sofia Ordoñez
Role: A&E Editor
Sofia is a wise character, like Doctor Strange, but not as arrogant. Still, she’s too powerful overall to be in Endgame; I mean, come on. She’d body Thanos, so we gotta kill her off with the snap. She’ll have plenty of solo movies in the next phase of the Newswire.
Name: Aidan Callahan
Role: Features Editor
Oh look, it’s me. I’ve got Peter Quill vibes; I’m too new for the team and just a little too silly to be in Endgame. So I’m definitely snapped, so as not to distract from the serious tone, but I might pop in for a gag.
Name: Hannah Schulz
Role: Head Copy Editor
I’m just gonna go ahead and make all the other copy editors Wakandans (since there are a lot of them), which would make Hannah the Black Panther. Essentially just picture her in grabbing the arm of another copy editor and saying, “This is no place to die.” Then she’ll proceed to get snapped out of existence. Ironic.
Name: Bridget Walsh
Role: Social Media and Online Editor
Bridget’s like Nebula in many ways (apart from wanting to murder her sister), so we’ve gotta keep her around to have some Guardians representation in the Newswire.
Name: Jeff Richardson
Role: Photography Editor
I wouldn’t give Jeff anyone but Hawkeye. He never seems to actually be around, then suddenly — woah — there’s a guy with a bow and arrow at the Newswire HQ. I also think he got a slick haircut over the summer,
Name: Jessica Blocker
Role: Business and Advertising Manager
Every good superhero team has a mysterious eye-patched leader who runs things secretly behind the scenes, and that’s Jessica. She’s where the true power lies in the Newswire, so of course she’s gotta be killed off in an after-credits scene. But before she does she quickly pages Sydney and lets out one last “Motherf-.”
By Aidan Callahan | Features Editor