By David Ludwig | Guest Writer
I saw you in the dairy aisle, and I know this is a bit cheesy, but I thought our conversation was udder-ly amazing, and I hope you found my jokes amoozing. I never got your number, but I would love if you came to the comedy club tonight – I’d love to have an audience for once.
I thought your rendition of “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” last Saturday was outstanding! I was the one in the front row wearing a blue polo who gave you a standing ovation. I know it was probably weird because I was the only one, but if you’re interested, meet me at the same place this Saturday. I’ll be onstage singing “Take On Me.”
Kenny, where are you? I know you read this paper and you haven’t been answering me. Have you gotten my texts, calls, voicemails, emails, faxes or letters? Whatever, I don’t care, just call me. Happy three-day anniversary babe!!!
You were tailgating me yesterday when I had to make a stop. You crashed into me and took out my left rear light. Then you drove away while I was getting out of the car. I have a picture of your license plate, so this can go one of two ways. Either you can meet up with me Friday at noon on the corner of Oak and 4th and we can exchange insurance and be civil about this, or I can go talk to the police. But I mean, if you also wanted to get coffee sometime, I guess that would be fine too. . .
By Tess Brewer| Staff Writer
Creeze (Cr-ee-zuh): The feeling one gets when their nasal cavity dries out because of frigid air
Sticpu (St-ii-kuh-pee-u): A laptop covered in so many stickers that its processor speed is slowed down as a result
Innuenbro (in-u-in-bro): A friend whose conversation consists entirely of insinuation
Smexpo (sm-eh-ex-po): Permanent smear left behind by dry-erase markers on whiteboards that will never erase, no matter how hard you try.
Aries: Mars knows you didn’t go out and vote this week. What’s wrong with you? Don’t you want to do your patriotic duty and decide who will be the Comptroller of Cincinnati?
Taurus: You should see Jojo Rabbit. This isn’t even a horoscope, it’s just a really good movie.
Gemini: You might be considering getting a Gerber Life Insurance plan for your future child but think of all the better places you could be putting that money. It would be easy to raise funds for a copy of The Outer Worlds on Xbox One for me… for just pennies a day!
Cancer: Remember when you thought you ran over that squirrel but you reversed and didn’t see it on the road so you were like “I probably didn’t.”? The moon wants to personally inform you that, in fact, you did.
Leo: Your only option in life is to go into the business of selling toy guns. As the old adage goes: “It’s Nerf… or nothing.”
Virgo: Look, I know you think you did it perfectly the first time and you don’t want to have to do it again, but remember that sometimes the sequel is better than the original. You ever see High School Musical 2?
Libra: Your future is entirely determined, yet also completely vague… Sorry, I don’t know why Venus has been giving you all this cryptic stuff, I don’t know what it means either.
Scorpio: You might think being slow and steady is for losers, since turtles are little defenseless lizards in rocks, but dang, have you seen how big those things can be? You don’t want to mess with a snapping turtle. Slow and steady will win the race then bite off one of your fingers.
Sagittarius: Parking passes are useless. The parking lots are a lawless wasteland where people will break into your car to steal a single dollar. They’ve succumbed to anarchy, so you should too. Park where you please.
Capricorn: Halloween’s over, but you still wear the mask of your artificial exterior every day of your life.
Aquarius: You know all those stray cats you’ve been seeing? Saturn thinks those are bad omens. You’re probably fine as long as you don’t continue to see them running loose around campus.
Pisces: Remember how you were kicking around the idea of running for the SGA election? You would have won if you ran. Too late now, sucker.