Letter from the “Editor-in-Chief”
The entire back page crew has taken the week off to begin Thanksgiving festivities early. Sadly, that means there’s no one left to write for the page this week… Except for you! Try your hand at making your own back page with these DIY Back Page Templates!
They’re all essentially Mad Libs, and if you don’t know how to do one of those… what, were you raised under a rock or something!? I apologize, please strike that last line, it was out of line. I should write with dignity; I am an Editor-in-Chief, not some lowly back page editor!
Anyway. You can either read along and put in your own words as you go, or if you’re not a complete loner you can have your friend give you words, then you can read to them the “wacky” back page article they created.
Now, unlike lazy newspaper editors, the stars don’t take vacations, so they actually had some pretty robust predictions to provide this week. But it looked kind of weird when most of the page was DIY and the horoscopes were normal, so we’ve chosen to omit some unnecessary details to allow you to “make your own” horoscope, as it were. Have fun! Or don’t, this page has been trash this year.
DIY Fictionary by Tess Brewer
Festitude: A ________(adj.) feeling about _________(holiday).
Fatiguy: A roommate who wakes up at _____ (time of day) after sleeping through the ______ (number) alarms that woke you up.
Sensibleh: When your ______(part of the body) feels like it has been_______(sensation ending in -ing) for far too long.
Aromusk: A smell (much like _____(very unpleasant smell)) that gets stuck inside the fibers of a(n) _______ (article of clothing) and never leaves, despite multiple washings.
Classic Back Page Feature by Joseph Cotton
- Your major
It was an (1), lonely night as (2) was all but empty. Empty except for (3). plucking away on their (4) all night. Looking at the (5), (6)-ing in the book, and (7) sipping on his (8). They only had (9) hours until the deadline was upon them, and they were barely finished! As a last ditch effort, they pull up (10). (11)! Everything they need is here! They finish in no time and submit, glad that it’s over with. Break starts tomorrow, and they were ready to forget everything they just learned about (12).
Make your own horoscope!
Aries: The stars have found the love of your life! Their name is _______, they live in _______, and yes, they spend as much time as you in the weird section of Youtube.
Taurus: On Friday, your disciple _________ is set to betray you and ______ will deny you three times. And before you ask, yes, this is how jesus found out.
Gemini: Spend the rest of the week face down in a pile of ___________. Yeesh, this one’s bad no matter what you put.
Cancer: Try out a new style this week. Nothing goes better together than _____ and jorts.
Leo: The stars warn that you’ll _____________ if you do not pet at least three dogs this week.
Virgo: Your mother will get in an accident this week, but luckily Mercury knows when! Make sure to call her at ____ on ________ or she may never walk again.
Libra: Here’s a hot take:_________________________________________ Father Graham.
Scorpio: Wallace and Gromit _____________________ fascist regime ________________________________.
Sagittarius: The position of Jupiter says you need to reevaluate your priorities. I mean, clearly you care more about _________ than reading the Back Page, so that’s gotta change.
__________________________________________________________ and then throw her off the train. It’s a surprisingly simple way to achieve happiness.
Aquarius: You should get Dinsey+. Sure, you may not be a fan of “High School Musical: The Musical: The Series” but you will be a fan of “High School Musical: The Musical: The Series: The _____: The _____: The Book: The ______” when it drops.
Pisces: Oh, this is gonna be a rough week! First, ___________________, then _________________, and just when you think it can’t get any worse, ___________ pudding pop ________________ patriarchal society _________________________________!