Aries: School is officially back in session and you may think you had the best break ever, but yours doesn’t even come close to Father Graham’s. That man knows how to party.
Taurus: Venus knows you’ve sinned, but also knows they can’t convince you to change. Don’t worry though, you’ll learn your lesson after having a spooky Jesuit Hell dream tonight.
Gemini: I know you think seeing Cats on drugs is a great idea but trust me, it is not. Why do they have human hands!? And human boobs!?!?
Cancer: The moon said something about a guy breaking into your house soon, but I assume that was just a leftover from Christmas. Silly moon! You don’t need to lock your doors or anything.
Leo: Have you noticed all the randos around the caf now that the new semester has started? Consider this: to them, you’re the rando!
Virgo: Don’t be afraid to phone in any major projects this semester. JJ Abrams has proved to us all that you can make a mediocre mess and still make $500 million.
Libra: The new draft rules state that you can only be drafted if you are a Libra who reads the Xavier Newswire. You ship out to Iran on Sunday.
Scorpio: Here’s an idea: maybe this semester try not to procrastinate so hard that you still have work to turn in during next semester’s syllabus week.
Sagittarius: Jupiter has found you to be living in excess. FX’s A Christmas Carol levels of excess. I mean seriously, who needs a three hour long dark take on A Christmas Carol? Did anyone actually watch that?
Capricorn: Let me guess, you want to know whether your New Year’s resolution will succeed or fail? Or you want a tip on following through with it? Yeah, I got a tip for you: get better at writing New Year’s resolutions. Yours stink.
Aquarius: Saturn knows your year has been off to a rough start, but fret not! You may think you’ll be stuck in a rut forever, but that’s what people thought about SNL a few years back and this season actually has been pretty good!
Pisces: Consider who you want to be in the ‘20s. A mobster? A flapper? Those are your only options.
Things to bring back from the roaring Twenties
By Aidan Callahan
Well ladies and gents, it’s official: we’re back in the ‘20s. Now of course, the biggest advantage of this is that there will no longer be confusion about what to call the current decade. ‘The tens’ never caught on, and ‘the aughts’ is just plain silly. But a new decade can mean so much more than just a new naming scheme; it can mean unprecedented societal and cultural progression. Just because none of that happened last decade doesn’t mean we won’t get any this time around, especially if we do one of Xavier’s favorite things: plagiarism! So to get this decade off on the right foot, let’s harken back to the OG ‘20s and lift some trends to spice up our modern day.
Jazz: Is anyone else getting a little bit tired of rap? I mean come on now, these subgenres are getting ridiculous. I don’t think we’ll ever have to deal with “mumble jazz.” But hey, maybe we’ll see the rise of soundcloud jazzers.
“Gee Whiz” Sport journalism: This one’s for our sports editor Luke Feliciano. There was a timewhen sports writers scant said a bad word about athletes and instead treated them like the gods among men they are. Now, to be fair, Luke’s page is essentially a weekly shrine to the basketball team, but there is definitely not enough “gee whiz!”es. And I know he has time to put them in because, as I type this right now, he’s just at his desk watching House.
Felix the Cat: C’mon, how can you not love this little bastard? And I am not talking about the post-talkies version—that wasn’t until the ‘30s. I’m talking about the pre-sound version that looks a lot less Mickey Mouse and a lot more real life feral cat.
Prohibition: Woah, woah, woah. Calm down—before you rip this paper in half just hear me out. Now I am aware that everyone who reads the Newswire is either a devout Jesuit or a raging alcoholic, so obviously I’m not trying to alienate half the audience. I’ve just found that once you reach the legal drinking age, drinking loses a big aspect of what made it fun: the rebellion. Remember when getting black out drunk on a school night was cool and not just kind of sad? Those are the days I want us to return to and the ‘20s had a built in solution: prohibition! From the youngsters to the old men, everyone was cool when they were drinking because they were breaking the law, and that’s cool. If you’re worried about how you’ll get your precious booze, fear not, as the ‘20s have another built in solution:
Speakeasies: Now these are how you know you’re really cool. I mean, come on—what’s the point of drinking if you don’t have to go into a dark basement and do a secret knock just to get to a bar? Drinking in a speakeasy will immediately bring back the constant fear of being found out by authorities, an appeal that we haven’t seen the likes of since high school parties.
Sigmund Freud: Look, I know he’s dead, but I just feel like we need a return Freudian psychology. Super-ego? Yes, please! Libido? Sounds cool! Cocaine as a cure for migraines? Sign me up!
The Great Depression: I don’t even think we need to bring this one back, we’ve all had this one since 2010! Am I right!? Thank you, thank you, alright, that’s my time, thanks for coming out and please drive home safe!
Fictionary: ‘20s Slang for the Modern Age
By Tess Brewer
Ever heard of a Meat Wagon (ambulance)? Now, for our modern 2020 decade, try: Buggy Buddy (a friend that you use exclusively for their Uber account/gift card ).
We all know a Dewdropper (an unemployed man who spends his days sleeping). Sounds a lot like a Bedflopper (an unemployed college student who spends their days sleeping… and skipping class).
An uncommon form of transportation, like the Chicago Overcoat (a coffin) is not very relevant. Something more relatable would be a Cincinnati Tuxedo (a yacht).
Have you ever heard of Cabbage/Scratch (aka money)? Well, now you have. Let’s bring this gem of slang back. Earn that cabbage for a nice, big Cincinnati Tuxedo.