Punctuation Hot Takes

By Sebastian Aguilar

Ah, punctuation. The worst part of the literary cinematic universe. The Thor 2, if you will. Now, obviously, punctuation is the most important issue facing humanity at the moment. In order of importance, it’s punctuation, Wuhan coronavirus and then climate change. So I come to you today with my punctuation hot takes: The marks that should exist, and the ones that (joke incoming) miss the mark.

Oh, and I’m talking English punctuation, obviously. I’d never talk bad about the upside-down exclamation points and question marks. Español knows what it’s doing in that department. South of the border, they’ve already solved a lot of these issues by doing a cheeky ¿. So with that out of the way, you best be prepared with a cold beverage and perhaps a popsicle, cause I’m about to dish out some spicy hot punctuation takes.

Punctuation that should exist

Insert mark here: We’ve all been there: you want to say “I’ll be there”, but “I’ll be there!” sounds way too excited and “I’ll be there.” sounds much too restrained. The problem is that . and ! are like yin and yang; there’s no gray middle ground. We need a piece of punctuation that represents nirvana between the two: a mark for mild excitement used to show interest without sounding waaaay too enthusiastic.

Insert mark here: A mark to denote annoyance, perfect for parents when their kid hasn’t called them in a while.

“You haven’t called in a while%”

Also perfect for kids to b*tch about their parents nagging them to call.

“My mom says I should check in more often, but she knows I’m more of a checkee then a checker%”

Insert Mark Here: It’s impossible to tell over text when someone is being sarcastic, and it can create many awkward scenarios. We can’t keep using /s and letting people know we’re redditors. Father Graham doesn’t even know what a redditor is!

Punctuation that should cease to exist

Semicolon (;) — Nobody knows how to use this in any capacity

Forward Slash (/) or Backward Slash (\) —  Seriously, we only need one

This thing(`) — What even is this? I just saw it on my keyboard and its NOT AN APOSTROPHE I checked, THIS is an apostrophe ‘. 

Ampersand (&) — Oh, I bet you feel really fancy using an ampersand, huh? Just use the word you SoB. This symbol looks like a guy wiping his butt on the floor (insert image of homer here)

Fictionary by Tess Brewer

Excusize (X-cu-size): The workout of the mouth and mind one undergoes in the avoidance of physical exercise.

“Faster than an Elet”: Phrase; unit of time, measured by the distance from Elet to Alter Hall that one may have to traverse quickly between classes

Papagrahamda (Pa-pa-Gra-ham-da):  Describes a form of outspoken love and support specifically intended to praise Father Graham

Tardtor (Tar-tor): A professor/tutor who is consistently late to class

Horoscopes

Aries: Y’all gotta stop going on these TopGolf dates. Soon enough there’s gonna be some TopGolf babies coming into the world!

Taurus: A UC professor recently contracted the coronavirus, and he is still less of a biohazard to his school than you are when you sneeze and don’t cover your mouth, you absolute reprobate.

Gemini: If you think caf food is meh, you’re not getting creative enough. Try a Churger: chicken patty, beef patty, two slices of cheese, all the veggies and a ketchup/mayo combo. All on a wheat bun of course — the stars want you to be healthy.

Cancer: The moon is down to sell you some space dust for the weekend but first wants you to get in its car and drive around Cincinnati. That doesn’t seem suspicious at all.

Leo: Remember that the good you do doesn’t influence whether or not you’ll be remembered. Like that guy from the first episode of Stranger Things who gave Eleven fries. He was so nice and I bet you don’t even remember his name was Benny.

Virgo: If you’re confused about this whole Bolton situation, trust me, you’re not alone. Weren’t the Bolton’s dealt with at the end of Game of Thrones season 6?

Libra: That earthquake in the Caribbean yesterday was just a warning shot. You better stop using your roommates’ dishes then leaving them in the sink, or Venus will call in a tsunami.

Scorpio: Nobody likes an outfit tracker. When you call people out for rewearing a pair of pants, all you do is create a culture of fear in the workplace.

Sagittarius: Things aren’t always as they seem. Did you know that “rushing” a frat is just trying to pledge and doesn’t even involve moving quickly? Then why is it called rushing?! Seems a bit counter-intuitive.

Capricorn: You’ve come to the time in your life when you must decide your allegiance: Pizza Rolls or Pizza Bagels?

Aquarius: Saturn had a really fun idea for a horoscope involving wordplay between Buddhist Nirvana and the band Nirvana. Unfortunately, Saturn had to call out due to a family medical emergency, so just think of it yourself. Currently our thoughts are with Saturn.

Pisces: Some things just aren’t meant to be. I’ve been trying to get Father Graham to write for this page for months to no avail.