Aries: Coronavirus is inevitably coming to America, so you’d better tell your crush how you feel about them soon. You need to get used to the crushing feeling of despair.
Taurus: Aretha Franklin always talks about the son of a preacher man but never gives any love to the preacher man himself. This one’s for you, Fr. Graham.
Gemini: Watch out for any rogue clickbait. Instead, read 12 CRAZY horoscopes that you WON’T believe. Gemini will surprise you!
Cancer: Your week will be described by the Full House theme song: “Everywhere you look there’s a face of somebody who needs you.” Just a lot of needy goobers on all sides.
Leo: Ya ever wonder why the holiday whose mascot is a bunny is not leap day? Write a research paper on this.
Virgo: Try really hard to have boomer energy this week. You know your wife? Isn’t she just the worst?
Libra: Try saving money this week by not pressing elevator buttons. Oh, you didn’t know? Every elevator button you press gets charged $80 to your bursar account.
Scorpio: Mars is pissed at you, so all week you will be cursed with people you barely know coming to sit with you in the caf when you’re just trying to eat and read your Newswire. People sitting alone aren’t always lonely, extroverts.
Sagittarius: Don’t let the world get you down; the world is your’s! Seize your friend’s property and use it to your own ends.
Capricorn: Express yourself without words. Noise speaks louder than statements. Break some instruments in Alter so the noise rings throughout the building, sorta like how the piano does when people practice on it.
Aquarius: There comes a time in every man’s life when he must decide who he is. There was a time when Richard Anthony Wolf looked into the mirror and decided for the rest of his days he would be Dick Wolf. Now, obviously you’ll never be that sick, but still, you gotta try.
Pisces: The stars got your tastebuds fiending for a new palate. Hit up the sketchy Kroger and eat some starfruit. You don’t gotta buy it, obviously. It’s sketchy Kroger, just eat it right in the aisle.