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Faux-TOE -Op: Is water wet?

Is God real? The answer is obvious: maybe. But, there is a question that has far greater implications, a question that has perplexed the greatest minds of history, a question which most people agree we may never know: Is water wet?

The body of the average Xavier student is 70% water, so we decided to ask them what they thought about this controversial topic.

Yes, it is. When something is wet it has water molecules in it. Water as a whole, is thus wet.
**Matthew Dixon**
Sophomore Philosophy, Politics, and the Public major

Water is definitely wet. If you look at the definition, a liquid that can make you wet is wet. *looks up definition.* Ha, there it is. Water is wet.
**Noor El-Ansary**
Another Sophomore Philosophy, Politics and the Public Major

Technically the water itself is not wet. It makes things wet. It soaks a thing causing it to be wet: itself it’s just a liquid.
**AJ Boggs**
Mugshot Model

Think about this: if it makes you feel wet it has to be wet, you know what I’m saying?
**Daniel “The Wise Man” Yao**
That guy you always see around campus wearing a cowboy hat

Water is definitely not wet at all, at all! It makes things wet, like your shirt can be wet or your bathing suit can be wet, but water itself isn’t wet. That’s just its nature. It’s its own thing. It’s separate from the adjective wet. It’s just straight up water. H2O, baby, you already know!
**Jacob Battaglino**
Smiley boy

H-E-C-K-N-O. (Sun)-(Moon)- (Sun)-(Moon)- (Sun)-(Moon)- (Sun)-(Moon)
**One of the Ghosts in Edgecliff**
115th-year music major

Horoscopes

Aries: Fr. Graham is officially retiring and I understand that life may seem pointless now. Just remember there are other things in life to hold on to, like Fr. B.

Taurus: Always look your best in the Caf. You never know when the @xavierdining instagram page will start a livestream.

Gemini: Spring break is just around the corner, meaning you can take a break from being lazy at school by being lazy at home.

Cancer: When March Gladness people run up to you and try to get you to donate, don’t ignore them. That just invites them to try again. Tell them you hate charity; they’ll leave you alone for good.

Leo: The stars are concerned about how politically active you are. Apparently, they overheard you asking if Super Tuesday was some sort of lame superhero.

Virgo: Saturday was leap day, the day you will least experience in your entire life. In fact, you’ll only experience it once in your college career. And you spent it doing the same dumb stuff you do every Saturday.

Libra: You’ve been rather hard on yourself lately. Venus wants you to know you’ll never be as big of a scumbag as Mercury, who voted for Mike Bloomberg in the space primary.

Scorpio: For the rest of the week, you’ll be cursed with that awkward moment when you’re in an Alter class with multiple screens and you’re right in front of one of them, so whenever your professor plays something a bunch of people start staring at you.

Sagittarius: You can chill about the Coronavirus now, it seems everyone’s already moved on to “COVID19,” whatever that is. I’ll tell ya, these fads only last a week!

Capricorn: Shorts weather is finally upon us! Unless of course you’re one of those weirdos who has been wearing shorts all winter.

Aquarius: I know you want to convince Fr. Graham not to retire, but when that man makes a decision, he sticks by it. You’d sooner convince the HUB to book you a therapy session.

Pisces: You’ve been dressing in warm tones lately, which doesn’t compliment your skin’s red-based undertones. Yeah, I have no idea what this means either, but Jupiter is really into fashion and said this was super important for you to know.