Students respond in anger and frustration; XUPD is ecstatic to have a job

XUPD and Res Life have teamed up this week to unveil a new student code of conduct during this  period of remote learning.  The new code of conduct will include revamps of campus-based rules and new rules inspired by faculty complaints about the transition. 

Revamped rules for at-home learning include the prohibition of non-service or support animals, monitoring of student internet use and the alignment of all remote learning environments with the smoke-free campus policy. 

Some students argue that these policies  infringe upon their personal freedoms. 

“What am I supposed to do with my dogs? Get them certified?”, junior social work major Bernard Saint said. 

“(It’s) ruff,” his two-year old German shepherd agreed. 

First-year nursing major Cameron Girl agreed, noting that the continuation of university internet use guidelines will inhibit her ability to work from home. 

XUPD officer O’Shea Jackson noted that the guidelines, while unpopular, have been incredibly effective. Students aware that they are being recorded on Zoom, regardless of having their camera and microphone off, have been 600% more productive after having certain sites blocked, according to Jackson. 

“It’s not a moral fear tactic… I don’t know why people keep calling it that,” Jackson said. “We are just trying to ensure that students are behaving online and off-campus the same way they would as if they were in McDonald Library.”

Some students have made unlikely allies in uniting against what English majors are calling “the Jesuit Orwellian state.” 

Senior Gender and Diversity Studies major Libby Snowflake and sophomore libertarian gun-enthusiast Linsey Gram have bonded over an intense dislike for the smoke-free homes mandate. 

“Small student government! I can smoke whatever I want, whenever I want, however I want… I will go outside and blow smoke on whoever I want from six feet away!#XavierLizardsMoreLikeXavierLizardPeople,” Linsey Gram tweeted in response to the announcement. 

“I might not agree with everything Linsey says, but I have the right to medical care during this trying time. I’m emailing the Newswire my op-ed about how medical weed deserves a higher role in society… it’s about 2000 words, so the administration will change the rule,” Snowflake said. 

A new rule proposed by the administration will add a mark to the transcript of any student who forgets to mute their microphone while background noise occurs in their workspace. This rule has been the only one popular with students and faculty alike. 

“My students have cute shit going on in their homes all the time,” communication studies professor Cania Heerme said. “Babies, dogs, little siblings yelling at their friends over Discord. But that distracts my whole class, and they’ve been paying really good attention even though most of their mics and webcams don’t work.”

“I can finally tell my parents that they have to stop walking into my room during class and it means something,” first-year PPP major Polly Ticks said. “Their helicopter parenting is actually worsening my chances of going to grad school.”

XUPD officers have announced that they plan to begin enforcing these rules next week, after the likely approval of a $7 million budget raise to fly to students’ homes across the country. 

“I’m just so happy we have something to do now,” Officer Jackson said with a sigh of relief.