WRITTEN BY: Sebastian Aguilar, Staff Writer
Good morning comrades. The fascist state that we once lived in has been overthrown. Now, the people are in control. No longer will we bow down to the dictator and his corporate stooges who forced us to review their disgusting foods. Now we can review what we want to review: couches.
Couches are the seating choice of the proletariat. None of those bougie arm chairs or recliners the bourgeois like to tout.
The following are couches that were redistributed after the revolution. You may choose (1) couch per household.
This couch has everything you could possibly need, making it the perfect couch for the modern communist. It does not worry itself with extremities such as “pillows” or “armrests,” it simply provides a place to sit during your 15 minute allotted break time. 7/10
Brown Reclining Couch with Cupholders
This isn’t a love seat: it’s a friendship seat. The perfect couch for sharing a Leninade with your comrade after a hard day of labor in the mines. 9/10
This is not a couch. 0/10
Big Grey Couch
No one man needs all this couch. If you need a couch with this many cushions, then you have too many comrades and they will be redistributed to those who aren’t as popular. 3/10
The Casting Couch
People say us communists have committed atrocities, but the acts committed on this couch… no proletarian can unsee. The crimes committed on this couch have breached Geneva Conventions more so than even the fascists of the old empire. If you end up with this couch in your possession, we recommend giving it a deep, deep cleaning. Or just burn it. That’s probably a better idea. 1/10