Features

The Back Page: 10/1/20

Top 10 Hallmark Christmas Movies

Written by: Jacob Smith

It’s October 1st, meaning Christmas season has officially begun! To celebrate, here’s my ranking of the top 10 Hallmark Christmas movies:

10. Ice Sculpture Christmas (2015)

Callie, an aspiring chef, and her childhood friend David, enter into a club’s annual Christmas ice sculpting competition against her boss. Callie’s passions for cooking and ice sculpting are met with romance and Christmas spirit.

9. A Christmas Dilemma (2007)

Faith and her attractive fiancé Chris go on a skiing trip where, through quirky circumstances, she runs into the equally handsome Sam. Now Faith has to make a decision between staying with her fiancé, living in the Rockies with Sam or running away to Malibu with the also attractive Chad.

8. Baby It’s Cold Outside, SO I’ll Call You An Uber (2016)

In this updated classic, Lynn decides it’s getting late and wants to end her date with Frank, but he won’t let her go. Instead, he calls her an Uber home since she’s had a few drinks and respectfully lends her his jacket due to the chilly weather.

7. Rich White Girl’s Christmas Wish (2019)

Olivia wishes to attend her dream college, despite her SAT scores. However, with the help of Santa’s elves and her rich and famous mother (played by Lori Laughlin), Christmas is coming early for this rich white girl.

6. An American Christmas Prince (2009)

Logically combining the target audience’s four favorite things: Christmas, romance, royalty and America, this film follows Sydney as she meets a charming man while caroling, only to find out that he is the Prince of America.

5. Season of Savings (2013)

Hannah, a struggling millennial, needs to find great deals for everyone on her Christmas shopping list. Luckily, her handsome new neighbor, Ryan, informs her that for the entire month of December, Macy’s is having great deals on clothing, furniture and décor, with savings of 30-50% off select fine jewelry. Open a Macy’s Card today to earn up to 5% back in rewards.

4. A Holly Jolly Christmas (2015)

Holly Jolly Christmas, the daughter of Father Christmas, sets out to save Christmas when the evil corporate Sunbucks Coffee tries to force politically correct secularism upon the country. With the help of small business owner Derrick and Jesus Christ himself, Holly takes on CEO Hap P. Holidays in a true demonstration of faith.

3. A Christmas Karen (2018)

Karen, a 42-year-old trophy wife, gets a Sunbucks worker fired on Christmas Eve for giving her a peppermint latte instead of a skinny peppermint latte. However, after being visited by the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future, Karen has an affair with her spinning instructor.

2. Romance, Castles, Christmas (2017)

Tracy, a small-town girl, somehow ends up spending her Christmas at a castle in Utah with Matt, a big city boy. Their values clash until they both realize they love Christmas and castles, and sparks fly. There are also, like, dogs and horses in the movie too, I guess. And cookie baking.

1. Mary’s Merry Marriage (2008)

Mary is having a Christmas wedding, but her fiance, Tyler, is hiding a secret: he’s actually a Christmas elf and is sleeping with her sister! Mary will have to learn to accept his wacky past and colorful in-laws as well as his loose morals regarding fidelity.


Fictionary

By Tess Brewer

Stupenny (stew-PEN-ee): The friend that is always short on money but always orders the most expensive menu item. 

Pleuvaque (PLUH-vac-ay): When rain starts to pour just as you walk outside after class. 

Assadora (ass-A-door-a): A more extreme version of an ‘ass-hat.’ 

Kvwylqc (/W/-ord): A word that sounds nothing like how it’s spelled. 

Wanna submit your own wacky words? Send ‘em to brewert3@xavier.edu


Horoscopes

Aries: Try to match the confidence of that boy in your Zoom class who blows fat clouds from his vape while on camera.

Taurus: Quit letting people talk over you. Who are you, Chris Wallace? 

Gemini: Don’t waste your money betting on the NBA finals. Put your money on something important, like the League of Legends World Championship. 

Cancer: In a turn of events, the Moon actually needs advice from you this week. Should it ask out Saturn? It has a big crush, but doesn’t know if Saturn feels the same way (monkey covering eyes emoji)!

Leo: Make sure to shower before your next Zoom class. Your professor’s gonna put you on speaker view and you don’t want people seeing your pores.

Virgo: You’ve chosen the wrong path in life. You would have been a perfect weatherperson, but it’s too late for that now. 

Libra: Never settle for less. When offered an Entenmann donut, always go for the crumb tops — never accept a plain. Bleh!

Scorpio: Watch out for foxes on campus. This isn’t even a horoscope, I real sh*t saw a huge fox on campus last night. Scary stuff.

Sagittarius: Remember things can always be worse. You could be the managing editor for the Newswire. I feel bad for whoever that is! 

Capricorn: Never play sports in the field behind the soccer field. Everyone knows that spot is for smoking weed and absolutely nothing else. 

Aquarius: You can’t always get what you want. Case in point: a majority of Americans want a debate moderated by Joe Rogan, but it won’t happen.

Pisces: Don’t become a parent. Not because you’d be a bad parent, but because your kid will grow up to be a furry. No one wants that. 

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