Features

Back Page: 10/8/20

Top 10 Hottest Presidents

Written by: Morgan Miles, staff writer

2020 is the year for presidents, people! We’re not only in the middle of a pandemic, but we are facing an approaching election, too. Americans out there are looking for things to take their minds off of these dilemmas and I have the solution: admiring our country’s finest men. 

Ladies and gentlemen and everyone else in between, I ask that you hold tightly onto your poster of shirtless Putin riding a horse for proper observation of the ranking list of a lifetime, and a temporary escape from the mass chaos we lovingly call “the United States”.

10. John Calvin Coolidge

AKA Daddy Cool — so stoic and dreamy. Alive during the roaring twenties, Coolidge 100% gives Jay Gatsby vibes and I strive to be his Daisy Buchanan.

9. Abraham Lincoln

Calling attention to theater nerds and basic Starbucks girls. Lincoln has the spaghetti noodle look that’s trendy on TikTok right now. Tall, skinny boys are worth going to the theater for.

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

8. Millard Fillmore

As part of the Know Nothing party, he’s a verified himbo.

7. James A. Garfield

With a glorious beard and an iconic last name, what more could you want?

6. Franklin D. Roosevelt

Eleanor was definitely a lesbian, so I’d snatch him from her, polio and all. Not every man can handle a country for more than 4 years: father material right there.

Photo courtesy of csub.edu

5. William Taft

Of course it’s because he’s thick. Stuck in a bathtub, stuck in my heart.

4. James Madison

Short Kingz represent. All his height went into drafting the Constitution. F in the chat, please.

3. Martin Van Buren

I’d make him compliment me in Dutch, take that powerful last name through marriage, grab onto those sideburns, and never let go.

2. George Washington

Never deny a man with the amount of power George has and exudes. 

1. Barack Obama

Barack is definitely a joint package with Michelle — let’s not pretend we didn’t change our entire school cafeteria diet for her huge, rippling muscles.

Photo courtesy of csub.edu

Horoscopes

Aries: You’re cool and all, but your sister is cooler. Why not crush on a guy who also has a way cooler sibling, like Dave Franco?

Taurus: As a Taurus, you’re practical. You want the perfect husband: Danny Tanner from Full House. But he’s not real, so the next best guy is Bob Saget.

Gemini: Gemini are fun and serious, classic and trendy, all at the same time. You need a guy who will be able to adapt to your changing needs, such as all four Beatles. 

Cancer: Cancers are homebodies. They’d way rather stay at home watching a movie then go to some big party. Your crush should not only want to stay home with you, but HAVE to stay home with you because they’re quarantined, like the COVID-positive Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

Leo: Leo’s have high expectations, they’ll never settle for a guy who isn’t a total chad. That’s why your celebrity crush should be campus news editor Joseph Cotton.

Virgo: Virgos are perfectionists. They need the perfect life, the perfect clothes and of course the perfect guy: Danny Devito.

Libra: You need a guy who’ll spoil you, someone like Doug Dimmadome, Owner of the Dimmsdale Dimmadome. 

Scorpio: Everyone knows scorpio is the spooky sign, so the stars are suggesting someone spooky: Ozzy Osbourne. You guys can eat bats and snort ants together. 

Sagittarius: Sagittariuses are all about sports. The stars don’t really know any athletes so, uhh… what about Michael Phelps? Is he still around? 

Capricorn: You’re a 00s baby but a 90s soul, so you need the perfect 90s guy: Will Smith. Just ignore everything he’s done after the year 2000. 

Aquarius: Aquarians have a chaotic energy no guy can handle. For now just stick with a dog.

Pisces: Father Graham. Do I even need to explain this one?

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