Displace all White students

I would never identify as a racist, but I think Xavier should get rid of all the White people on campus. It’s not personal either. My mom is White, and I have a lot of White friends. 

At home, I’m surrounded by a lack of anyone past the shade “Honey” on the Fitzpatrick Skin Tone Scale. A lifetime of personal experience with White people reinforces my beliefs. 

Frankly, I believe the White population tends to be more smelly. I’ve come to realize this through an anonymous source who confessed, “So far I have smaller class sizes. And White people smell.” 

That could explain where the source of recent “smoke” smells in Kuhlman are coming from. Walking through one cloud tained my cardigan with a pungent odor. I have to blame somebody.

Smoke isn’t all I smell. I smell basicness. Hair that can’t hold a style without enough hairspray to eradicate the ozone layer. An Instagram profile filled with filtered pictures giving every girl a believable-enough fake tan. 

The trend of basicness was definitely started by the Whites and I detest it. I’ve straightened my hair before and follow Ariana Grande, so I know what I’m talking about. 

As a victim of the societal expectations social media builds, I blame Whites. They’ve made me into a horribly bland person.

Seeing as White students make up 72% of Xavier’s demographic, they take up the most space. If they were moved off of our campus, everyone else would have more room. 

I understand that this could be a bit harsh. So I’m proposing those students are moved to the neighborhoods around Xavier. Relocating these students would promote more White-ness in areas where minorities are prominent. If they stick around, maybe they can get some gentrification going on. I heard that’s popular for White people to do right now.

If you’re not going to stick around, don’t worry, because there’s another option: Wyoming. It’s a pretty empty state and classes are over Zoom anyhow. 

Also, I looked up “Wyoming” and Google mentioned “states that have the fewest Black people.” Maybe some of you will like that? “White” and “Wyoming” do both start with W.

Not to mention, have you ever said the word Caucasian slowly? It’s atrocious. The emphasis on how roughly the “C” is pronounced disgusts me.

Moving on, I want to talk about diversity. Xavier has a tendency to promote the campus minorities as posterchildren of diversity. If we moved the White people off campus, that could become a reality. It’s an easy way to dissolve the issue of whether Xavier is truly representing its image. 

If only minorities are on campus, they become the majority. It’s like putting the 99% of Americans into the 1%. Modern solutions for modern problems.

Speaking of issues, what better way to support Black Lives Matter than getting rid of the White people? Directly supporting a cause that Xavier cares about seems like a good idea for all minorities. Especially considering the Jesuit value of “discernment.” It promotes doing what you believe is good for the world around you. And I think this is a very good idea. 

As a biracial student, I must address my fellow two-percenters of the population. Do we move off campus for one semester and come back the next? Become less White? 

Unfortunately e cannot figure out the answers to our desired questions until Xavier solves the crisis of White people’s sheer audacity to remain on campus.