The United States Census Bureau released data in 2016 stating that 80% of Americans prefer when good things happen over bad things. Despite this, an estimated 50% of all things that happen are bad. 

I personally believe — and I know this will be a very controversial opinion — that we should try to make more good things happen and fewer bad things happen.

I know this is a dangerous take to make in such a public forum. I honestly considered publishing this piece anonymously, but I just couldn’t resist getting my face printed in the Newswire. 

I’m fully aware that I might be doxxed for this; I’ve changed the password for all my credit cards, I have employed around-the-clock protection and I’m looking into moving dorms weekly so that I’m harder to find. I’m also planning to adopt disguises every time I walk on campus in order to lessen the chances of being recognized.

That may all seem excessive, but I believe it is worth it for the sake of publishing this article. It is important that people see this take so that everyone can be in agreement that I am a good person. After all, the main reason people read Newswire is to affirm their own opinions by reading the Op-Ed section. 

I need to make sure professors read this article, see my face and think, “Wow, that’s a good person right there. I would like to give them a passing grade in my class and then perform felatio on them.”

Now, you may notice that I haven’t actually gone into my argument too much, but do not worry — this is intentional. Most people only read the titles anyway, and the body text is just here to make it look like I wrote something insightful. 

To fill up space, here is a pointless anecdote full of flowery language:

You know, I remember the first day I saw something good happen. The sun was shining like the effervescent glow of a newly-full moon, the ice cream man was selling his sweet treats to the young masses who will one day be ice cream men themselves, and there was me, in the middle of it all, suspiring and cogitating in my sarcoline rubakha.

I was enjoying the gumball eyes of a SpongeBob popsicle when I saw a young woman walking down the street. She was one of those women who’s either 19 or 39. She had the type of legs that go all the way up to her neck. And her voice? I didn’t hear it, but I’m sure it was nice. I considered asking her opinion on the Israel/Palestine conflict, when she did something that made me stop cold: she did a good thing.

I was in shock. I dropped the remainder of my SpongeBob popsicle on the ground and nearly choked on the gumball. Was this even possible? Doing good things? From that day forward, my life was changed. I realized it was possible for me to appear morally superior to those around me. From that day forward, moral superiority would be my sole purpose.

So, as we reach the end of this opinion piece, we reach the most important section: the call to action. It’s the most important section because I get to tell you what to do and really lay on thick how much better I am than you.

Here’s the bottom line: you suck and I’m great. I do good things while you do bad things that are objectively wrong. I would tell you to just give up now, but the Opinions editor told me I’m not allowed to end on a depressing note.

Here’s a less depressing note: if you keep trying really really hard then maybe someday you will be a good, cool, handsome and all around great guy like me. But if you continue on your current terrible, morally reprehensible and smelly path, then I will continue to write opinion pieces making fun of you.