Campus News

Secret succession note unearthed

Father Graham has some shocking advice for the incoming XU president

BY FATHER GRAHAM (NOT ROBBIE DZIERZANOWSKI), President 46
Photo editied by Joseph Cotton
Father Graham (pictured above) has been at the helm of the galactic empire, I mean Xavier University, for 21
years. Given these new unearthed documents, it is unlikely that he will give up his power anytime soon.

The following article is a statement obtained by the Newswire’s special
stealth ops divisons led by writer ——-. The statement is unedited to preserve the original language.

Dear successor,

Welcome aboard one of the easiest jobs in the entire world.  Yes, I said it.  Sure, being the president of a university is SUPER easy, but try doing it for 21 years. All I did during my entire time was have my Secretary take notes in the trustee meetings while I interacted with students all day, stamp my signature on building approvals around campus and spend ALL the student’s tuition money.  

I’m telling you, Musketeers, we spent money. Lots of it. We spent more money during my term than all the presidents’ across the country.  We built Fenwick Place and the Hoff Dining Commons, refurbished Alter Hall, built the Gallagher Student Center, the CLC, Smith Business Hall and anything else you see on campus. In short, what I’m trying to say is: you name it, I did it. My challenge to you as the next president of Xavier is to top that. I’m not sure if you’ll last the 21 years that I did, but I dare you to try.  

Spending student’s money is one of the best perks of being president, especially at such a money sucker school like Xavier. When the board of trustees contacts you about building something new, like, say,a $46 million division I basketball arena on your campus– ALWAYS. SAY. YES. We are Musketeers.  Spending money is in our blood, Xavier nation!

Ironically, listening to students is one of the most tiresome parts of being the president of such a social university. I sure do love having people over for spaghetti dinner in my apartment in the Commons Apartments (did I mention I built that building?), but the students in the Village Apartments? Forget about them. They’re almost in Avondale; they’re foreign citizens at this point. All we are about are the students stuck in the pit of Brockman and Kuhlman.  

Our reputation here at Xavier is like no other. For us, it’s all about the students, which is why I’ve stayed for so long. In addition to spending money, I hate every other university across America.  Marquette just got another new President for the fifth year in a row? Dang. Not us. UC wants to pull out of the Crosstown Shootout contract? Welp. That’s all your issue now, but please make certain we make money off them …

Enough about the things I did make happen and let me talk about something I never did: the Xavier football program. Don’t bring it back. It is not worth your time. We don’t need any sport other than basketball to beat UC in each and every year. Besides, you know the saying: Xavier Football, undefeated since 1973.

I’d like to touch on one more thing before I leave you with NO words of wisdom. This past admissions period, I admitted the second largest class in Xavier’s history (the Class of 2024), so have fun dealing with all those Gen Z kids, and good luck beating that admissions record. If you need to, build more on campus housing options … There’s enough money.  

Now it’s time to sit back, watch UC basketball and start taking bets for how long you last as president!

–Michael Graham, SJ

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