The Dupe Page
By Spencer de Tenley, Multimedia Managing Editor
Just because one thing resembles another does not make it a dupe. The definition of dupe (noun) is as follows: a victim of deception. You are a victim of deception, a cog in the influencer capitalist scheming TikTok specified For You Page scheme. TikTok is designed so that you never stop scrolling, and LinkTree is designed so that you know where to spend your money in 10 different places all at once. Your e.l.f lip gloss that was $3 is not the same as the Dior Lip Oil that costs $36. Do not post on TikTok and tell your 153 followers that it is the same, because it is not. Similarly, we know your shoes are from Amazon. They are NOT Ugg dupes. You will NOT look like Alix Earle just because some other influencer told you you would if you bought everything in their Amazon storefront.The following items are examples of how ridiculous you may sound while calling things dupes.
Cincinnati is just a New York City DUPE. They keep filming movies that are set in New York City in downtown Cincinnati, anyway.
The new Xavier Men’s Basketball blue and white jerseys are just UNC DUPES. Who on the marketing team decided we needed a splash of Carolina blue? I am not a fan, respectfully.
Burger 513 is just a Shake Shack DUPE. Burger 513 consistently gives me cold fries that look like they may or not have been snacked on already.
Caf orange chicken is just a Panda Express DUPE. Just with a dash of food poisoning, probably more MSG and definitely less real chicken.
Student Government Association (SGA) is just a Congress DUPE. Although to be honest, SGA definitely could have picked a Speaker of the House faster.
Newswire is just a New York Times DUPE. If Cincinnati is a New York City DUPE and Xavier is in Cincinnati, by the transitive property Newswire is a New York Times DUPE. However, Xavier is technically in Norwood, so maybe we aren’t completely a New York Times DUPE.
Currito is just a Chipotle DUPE. They are always out of chicken. And it is wildly expensive. And I always wish it was Chipotle in my hands instead.
Aries: Don’t catch mono. I hear it is going around.
Taurus: Crying is not going to fix it. Dry it up, b!tch.
Gemini: It is OK to like country music. Try some Chris Stapleton.
Leo: You stink. Take a shower.
Virgo: Watch Ginny & Georgia and think to yourself, “Wow, at least I am doing better than this chick.”
Libra: Get your ass up and WERK. Be a Kim this week.
Scorpio: Don’t get the General Tso’s chicken at the Caf.
Sagittarius: At your big age, do not be caught dead at Bottom Dogs of Short Vine.
Capricorn: I would like to make a retraction. Slay is not becoming cheugy. Slay will live on in 2023, and slay will live forever in my heart.
Aquarius: Make out with a whole friend group in one night. It makes life spicy, and you haven’t seen action in a long, long time.
Pisces: Congrats, you got a Stanley cup! Does it match your Uggs and claw clip, too?? Oh, and did you get an oversized puffer vest to go with it?
Cancer: Live sylly week to the fullest. Go to your Thursday class hungover; who cares?