Country music is the American genre

By Griffin Brammer, Show Manager and Gus Nations IV, Staff Writer

I used to hate country. But, the first step of recovery is admittance. So here it is: Country slaps… sometimes. See: the attached list.

1. Wagon Wheel ~ Darius Rucker

• If you’re anything like me, then you remember the name “Hootie and the Blowfish” from playing on your dad’s AM “Oldies” radio station  in his 1985 Cadillac Impala while dropping you off for elementary school at 7 in the morning. His transition from soft rock to country in the early 10’s was hallmarked with the release of his Magnum Opus, “Wagon Wheel”. There’s something about the inflection of his voice that brought a mix of funk and twang that had been absent in male-driven country since the 90’s and, c’mon, that chorus was MADE for that pseudo swing-ballroom-line dance mix that’s oh so prevalent at southern weddings.

2. Jolene by You know exactly who

• I feel like I don’t need to explain this one. This is literally baby’s first country song. And it’s BEEN that way since ‘74 for a reason: no one does it like Dolly. That hypnotically haunting guitar riff. The quiet desperation and tearful acceptance in her voice. The slightly homoerotic undertones of Dolly’s detailed description of her adversary. This song is for the girls, the gays, and the theys… sorry straight guys but y’all were the ones responsible for the Dolly/Jolene feud in the first place.

3. Literally everything by Carrie Underwood

• Gus is an idiot. “Pop”? Has he HEARD “Church Bells”? He is the cityslicker that every southern peepaw complains about. Anyway, I’m a big fan of the “I’ll ruin a man’s life if I have to” subgenre of modern country and no one produces banger after banger like Care-bear. “Before He Cheats”? Destroy that Benz. “Two Black Cadillacs”? Yeah, kill your joint husband, girlies. “Blown Away”? F*ck it, throw his ass in a tornado. Carrie Underwood IS the modern feminist movement.

4. Our Song by MISS Swift

• If you need reasoning behind this decision, you probably thought Kanye did nothing wrong at the 2009 VMAs. Please consider opening your ears and not your mouth for once.

5. Country Roads by John Denver

• Oh look, it’s male Dolly Parton. But for real, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a song unite a nation much like this one. Northern? Southern? Who cares? When you first hear that “Almost heaven…”, every arm in the room is interlocked shoulder to shoulder and we sway in unison for the 3 minutes and 20 seconds that West Virginia becomes a respectable state. When Country “The second national anthem” Roads starts playing, we are not the sum of our differences, we are American. And that’s what this genre is all about, an ode to our country. So take that, you British twats. #WinningSince’76

Horoscopes

Aries: Pick up a new skill, because no one thinks you having a dog is a “fun fact” to share with the class. 

Taurus: It is only the second week of class. Do not skip. 

Gemini: I think you should bring berets back. Be a campus trendsetter. 

Cancer: Hot girl walk. 

Leo: If your gingerbread house is still rotting on your table, throw it away. 

Virgo: Don’t buy yourself that Valentine’s squishmallow. That’s just sad. 

Libra: Awkwardness is just a mindset. Wave to that hookup in the caf, see what happens. 

Scorpio: Apparently new love is coming your way. That’s what the TikTok I was just watching said, anyway. 

Sagittarius: You should learn how to play tennis so you can be the ultimate PILF. (Can we make PILF the gender inclusive parent I’d like to friend?)

Capricorn: Please stop stealing from the Oakley Target. I had to ask an employee to unlock a phone case for me the other day. 

Aquarius: Stop complaining about being broke and just join feet finder!

Pisces: Put the dawgs away. If you’re wearing stocks, I best be seeing socks.