Where is Elvis?

By Ben Dickison, Staff Writer

In lieu of recent rumors that Tiger King matriarch Carole Baskin’s presumed-dead ex-husband Don Lewis has been found alive and well, the Newswire Breaking News Response Team is lacing up their blue suede shoes to embark on a quest to once-and-for-all deduce the fate of The King of Rock-and-Roll, Elvis Presley. The Breaking News Response Team has used echolocation and the unfathomable power of Bing Maps to create a comprehensive shortlist of feasible hideouts for one of the world’s most famous ever strummers of the guitar. While Newswire is optimistic that the list curated by the Breaking News Response Team will be able to pinpoint the Tupelo, Mississippi native, we are always open to tips from any Muskie (or just human being in general, for that matter) at our hotline; it can be reached by dialing 1-800-HOUN-DOG. Be on the lookout especially if you find yourself in the following where-abouts:

The Porcelain Throne- It is alleged that Elvis met his maker on the defecation station on Aug. 16, 1968. Could he be hiding in plain sight? 

A Recording Studio in Cuba- Tired: “Broadway Girls” by Morgan Wallen ft. Lil Durk; Wired: “Ambitionz as a Hound Dog ” by the late Tupac Shakur and the man himself. (Music video will be filmed at the same hangar where the moon landing was faked)

The Trenches- Elvis was drafted into the United States Army in 1958 and served both domestically and in Germany for a total of two years. What a tank. Werk, Elvie.

Not his home state- Wanna know why the birds fly upside down over Mississippi? Because there’s nothing worth taking a crap on. 

Bellarmine Chapel- Former residents of my dorm in Husman have picked up some silky blues tunes coming from the (now-former) room of Father Al Bischoff… should we really be calling him 

“Father P”?

The Arcade Restaurant- The King was known for his affinity for a fried peanut Butter + banana Sandwich between two gargantuan slices of bread and garnished with three industrial slices of greasy bacon to make a beautiful falsetto of flavor- all available at Memphis’ oldest diner.

Talladega Superspeedway- Elvis was a known NASCAR superfan, even starring in a stock-car racing themed movie titled “Speedway.” Even if Elv has passed, his spirit along with that of Queen Elizabeth, Dale Earnhardt and our sweet prince Harambe could be found looking down on this holy ground where the Busch Lights flow and good times roll.

A Prison Located Near A Quarry- The well-known provocative dancer may still be searching for his “Jailhouse Rock.”

You Need Some Elvis

Aries: Channel your inner Jungle Jims’ Elvis. He’s honestly pretty scary. 

Taurus: Channel your inner Jess from New Girl Elvis. Be the silly little goose we all know you are. 

Gemini: Channel your inner Austin Butler Elvis this week. You are sexy. 

Cancer: Channel your inner Blue Christmas Elvis this week. I know you’re still a little blue because you were single *again* at Christmas. 

Leo: Channel your inner “Velvet Elvis” by Kacey Musgraves this week. You’re going to find your very own Velvet Elvis very soon, I can feel it. 

Virgo: Channel your inner Dolly Parton wearing an Elvis jumpsuit this week. Let the glittery spirit of Dolly fill your senses, babe. 

Libra: Channel your inner Blue Hawaii Elvis this week. I know it’s cold outside so just pretend you’re on a beach with Elvis. 

Scorpio: Channel your inner Jason Mamoa dressed as Elvis. He looked way too good. You do, too! 

Sagittarius: Channel your inner “Suspicious Minds” Elvis this week. Although, tbh, maybe you should not let your love survive. You’ve been complaining about the situationship all week. 

Capricorn: Channel your inner Elvis as a Wedding Pastor. I know you’re watching everyone else get cuffed right now and it’s hard but just be happy for them. 

Aquarius: Channel your inner John Stamos as Elvis this week. John Stamos is the DILF of all DILFs. 

Pisces: Channel your inner “Hound Dog” Elvis. Stop crying. Get up and do something about it.