Rating M&Ms by Color
By Ben Dickison, Staff Writer
Jan. 23, 2023: a dark (chocolate) day for the state of our Union. At approximately 8:45 AM Eastern Standard Daylight Time, the official, verified M&Ms Twitter account dropped an atomic explosive on the one thread preventing our nation from going to “Hell in a handbasket” as my beautiful mother Angie said upon hearing of the Great Candy Betrayal of ’23; our spokescandies had been eliM&Minated (and even worse, rebranded as Ma&Yas in honor of Emoji Movie voice arist Maya Rudolph)! Thankfully, an angry gaggle of M-thusiats put Mars, the maker of the tiny, venerated chocolate indulgences, under more pressure than Dolly Parton’s bra strap. Thus, the spokescandies hath prevailed! In celebration, Newswire is here to codify THE hierarchy of M&M personalities. So, get ready for some ampersands, people- shiz is about to get M&M-credibly real. The spokescandies, from least to greatest:
9. Maya Rudolph– BY FAR the least edible M&M figurehead of all time. Maya, how about you act like a Grown-Up and stick to a candy engineered for a 50 year-old such as yourself, perhaps a succulent yet modest Werther’s Original.
8. Orange- “Orange you glad this M&M is in the contingent of candies I’m toting?”- No one, ever.
This off-brand cheese ball will suck the “beer & skittles” out of any situation. Speaking of Skittles, Orange’s counterpart at the company down the road packs an undeniably more pungent right hook of fruitalicious flavor.
7. Green- This temptress has arguably the most discernable persona of all the spokescandies. In the hiatus of M&Ms from their rightful place between scenes of television shows all “around” the globe, she has launched a skyrocketing career on OnlyFans. Stonks, I guess. But who knows where that cocoa’s been?
6. Blue- He’s blue, da ba dee da ba da 🙄. Kind of a poser, if you ask me. Carries himself as if he can rival the silver-tongued deviledness of red. However, he quite literally melts in the presence of green.
5. Purple– I know this is a take hotter than Mexican Jalapeño M&Ms (yes, that is a real thing that exists and probably tastes belligerently beastly), but the “purp” has real potential. She is kind of like the Kayla Ross of M&Ms: a little clumsy, arguably one of the worst dancers our flat Earth has ever been stumbled upon by, but her heart is in the right place. She is a huge advocate of self-expression and doing you, which is a sentiment we can all M&Mbrace.
4. Eminem- Extremely versatile in that he is both the white M&M and the wrapper. Eat too many, though, and you run the risk of becoming Not-So-Slim Shady.
3. Brown- As our Lord and Savior Yoda would say, “shattered the glass ceiling, she did.” As the original M&M and head honcho of the spokescandies, this glitterkweenslayb*tchboss represents something we desperately need more of: women in STEM&M.
2. Red- The Rizzler. The Rizzard of Oz. Tee Rizzley. Rizz Khalifa. Summa Cum Laude graduate of Hustlers University. All of these elegant pseudonyms still fall short of adequately describing the sizzling charm of the most alluring spokescandy. Don’t believe me? Ask Red’s hips. They don’t lie.
Yellow- Get lost in his eyes. Relish (which would be quite a garnish for M&Ms) in this health (pea)nut’s absolute unit-ness. He is a go-getter, ultimate wingman to red, and his naivety never flounders in terms of leading to a great time. The shortcoming problem- when you bite into yellow, you will quite literally bust a nut.
Aries: In a world full of Carrie Underwoods, be a Miranda Lambert.
Taurus: Your screen time should not be at seven hours. Do homework or sleep or something.
Gemini: This week, start a rumor. Make it spicy.
Cancer: Instead of being sad in anticipation for Valentine’s day, engage in some Trader Joe’s retail therapy.
Leo: I know the Bengals lost, and I know you are sad. But we must move forward, and we must continue to watch edits of Joe Burrow walking in style on TikTok.
Virgo: Seasonal depression is a totally acceptable excuse for laying in bed and rewatching that show for the tenth time.
Libra: Did you know Rihanna’s name is pronounced Re-anna? Not Re-Ah-Na?
Scorpio: Wrap it before you tap it. Word on the street is there’s stuff going ‘round these parts.
Sagittarius: If Dua Lipa=James Charles, and James Charles=Nick Jonas, then by the transitive property, Dua Lipa=Nick Jonas.
Capricorn: Talk to me about probability. If there are 4,600 people on this campus, and you kissed that one guy on Friday night, chances are 100% you will see him at the Caf.
Aquarius: Chances you have cancer after looking something up on WebMD are low, but never zero.
Pisces: Occum’s razor: the simplest explanation is the most likely to be true.
M&Ms Can Only Get Sexier From Now On
By Charlie Gstalder, Opinions & Editorials Editor
Much ado has been made over the recent controversial decisions by Mars-Wrigley, maker of the M&M, to “pause” its “spokes candy” series of anamorphic M&M Mascots.
The response was divisive across the political and cultural spectrum, with some on the right hailing the decision as a win for their agenda following Tucker Carlson’s rant against the recent “unsexy” spokescandy redesign. More liberal candy fans took issue with what they saw as Mars-Wrigley wading into the wrong side of the culture wars.
StaMs, as M&M spokescandies fans call themselves, were perhaps the most hurt, meeting en masse to mourn the loss of their idols, and burning effigies of Mars-Wrigley CEO, Poul Weihrauch, outside of the firm’s headquarters in McLean, Virginia.
All in all, I’m calling candy colored bull on this whole thing. I think it’s a publicity stunt, designed to raise the profile of the spokes candies prior to the big reveal of a new, even sexier, redesign of the candies.
A source from inside Mars-Wrigley all but confirmed such to me, noting that while they could not comment directly on the research development of what they called “fifth-generation-coated confections,” recent focus group data showed an “unprecedented sex-response” in the audiences, prompting internal calls for an ethics reevaluation.
Nonetheless, Mars-Wrigley is pressing forward on their next-gen spokescandies, and consumers can expect to feel very confused in the grocery store, in just a few short weeks.
The Power of the Green M&M
By Ryan Hulligan, Staff Writer
The green M&M. So broken, so beat. The only thing in her closet: the infamous high heels. She used to walk the town proud of who she was. They sexualized her and made her feel insecure. The problem was never her, but rather it was those who put these insecurities in her head and made her feel uncomfortable. She stayed true to herself for several months, being cat-called on the street. She was body shamed for being Bella Hadid before Bella Hadid was Bella Hadid. Eventually, she knew she had to change, so she changed her shoes; she changed herself. The heels were all she had. It seemed everyone that entered her life made an exit, but the heels never did. Now with borderline Air Force 1’s on, she managed to change the trajectory of the world and started an uprising with her newly-formed fan base. Society stripped her of her femininity, and society would be the one to pay. She’s literally the Julia Fox of candies. The baddest of bitches, even with her white sneakers on. The OG Coachella outfit girly could never die. For they never could take away her dignity, only boost her to the top. She hath risen, and she hath arrived. The green M&M outsold the Era’s Tour and the SOS Tour. Her controversy is like no other; J*mes Charles could actually never. Only the green M&M could have Fox News hard on her ass like they are right now. They took a break from Joe Biden and focused on the sexuality of a literal candy. Legend has it that Time Magazine is considering her for Person of the Year 2023, the Grammy’s have her listed as a nominee for Best New Artist and Phoebe Bridgers has already left Bo Burnham for her (the highest honor, although Bo shouldn’t even be here anyway. Literally, what the hell.) In 2023, the green M&M has done what scientists wish they could:
- Settled the debate between nature and nurture
- Has a vaccine named after her
- Dismantled the patriarchy
- Created a new Jesuit value: slay
- Discovered eight new planets
- Made peace with the aliens
- Got Rihanna to drop a new album
- Made it out of a sneaky link and into a long-term relationship
- Out-styled Harry Styles
- Can speak every language known to humankind
The list goes on. She’s not going to stop. She has only just begun.