By Adam Haslem, NFL Owner
Disclaimer: The following article is satire, as it was apart of an April Fool’s edition.
MVP: Tim Tebow attempted to make a return to the NFL in 2020 with the former college legend and Heisman winner transitioning to tight end. Although he was cut before the season started, NFL writers have begun to chatter that Tebow might transition back to quarterback. The devout Christian has been seen in Bellarmine Chapel Tebow-ing (remember when that was a thing?) at all hours, praying for another opportunity to play professionally. The Xavier football team is always a back-up option, as he gained an extra year of eligibility with the COVID-19 pandemic. God is real, Tebowmania-your time is now!
Offensive Player of the Year: After being cut midseason in 2022 due to a fatal car crash in which he was driving 156 mph, wide receiver Henry Ruggs III has contacted NFL teams about skipping bail and making a possible return to the NFL. The league is lacking in fast wide receivers, and Ruggs might prove to be just what a few teams need. This hot rod has a need for speed, and as the saying goes: speed kills.
Defensive Player of the Year: Eli Apple is widely characterized as the most obnoxious and talkative player in the NFL, frequently egging on opponents and trash-talking when the Bengals win games. A former first round pick in 2016, Apple has long since been considered a bust, horrendous in man defense, playoff choker and Super Bowl breaker. This past season, he was written off. He won’t write back though and is going to take the league by storm. People have called him burnt toast, but it is his time to cook.
Comeback Player of the Year: At age 75, O.J. Simpson appears to be in the best shape of his life, and rumors say he wants to return to Buffalo. Since he was unable to win his court case, Simpson hopes to reunite with his old team and win a Superbowl this year so he does not die a loser. The Bills have been rumored to offer a white Ford Bronco as a signing bonus. Additionally, Nike has already entered negotiations with Simpson’s agent about what an NFL regulation pair of gloves would look like based on the infamous trial. A leaked image from Nike headquarters of what the current model looks like is below.
Offensive Rookie of the Year: A quarterback by the name of Bom “Da Bomb” Trady has been moving up draft boards after showing up at the NFL combine and EATING at the throwing drills but clocking in at a 5.75 forty yard dash. Quickly being dubbed the Mustached Marksman, Trady is looking to make an impact his rookie season. When Head Coach of the New England Patriots Bill Bellicheck was interviewed about this prospect, he had this to say, “I think we are finally able to move on from Tom Brady and have a new face in the organization. He [Trady] is an intriguing prospect and I’d like to take him if he falls to us.”
Defensive Rookie of the Year: J.J. Swatt is a highly recruited prospect out of Wisconsin. Like Trady, he bears striking athletic resemblance to a recently retired NFL star and projected first ballot Hall of Famer, not quite ready to put their cleats up for good. J.J. Watt has refused to comment on the situation and was last seen in Thailand with former Cardinals Head Coach Kliff Kingsbury.
Coach of the Year: Jon Gruden has been characterized as sexist, racist and homophobic, even being fired midseason when damning emails about comments he made were released. Although socially inept and morally backwards, good football IQ is what wins games. He is projected to sign with a team that is only a quarterback away and is ready to contend now, such as the Houston Texans. We are rooting for you, Jon!
Walter Payton Man of the Year: Deshaun Watson.
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