By Someone On the Inside

Disclaimer: The following article is satire, as it was apart of an April Fool’s Edition.

• Danny Devito addressed SGA, announcing that he will be working the counter at Jersey Mike’s to help fill the workforce gap the location faces. He also plans to promote the newly extended hours.
• Using the money saved from club funding, the university is looking to install reinforced exit signs and padded elevators in Justice Hall in an attempt to combat the extensive vandalism this year.
• Xavier Dining Services submitted an announcement that after receiving rave reviews for their Fish Fridays, they are looking to switch all three meals a day to fish and only fish. 
• As a Xavier football team continues to be teased, the university has announced that Elet Hall will be torn down in the coming months, supposedly to make space for the construction of a football stadium.