By Saucy Skete, Pete Davidson’s Publicist
Disclaimer: The following article is satire, as it was apart of an April Fool’s edition.
March 11: 7 p.m.
TMZ reports seeing Pete Davidson enter a skybox in Madison Square Garden to watch the Big East Men’s Basketball tournament with an unidentified woman.
March 11: 8 p.m.
@BarstoolXU shares a Snapchat story from an XU band member captioned, “Doesn’t the lady that Pete Davidson is with look a lot like President Hanycz?”
March 11: 9:30 p.m.
Davidson and the unknown woman are seen entering a limo together. She is reported to be laughing. Pop culture news outlets speculate it could be a director or an up-and-coming actress.
March 11: 9:47 p.m.
@XUChicks reposts Davidson’s Instagram story, which reads, “Damn tough loss 🙁 go X.” It is also confirmed that President Colleen Hanycz and Davidson followed each other on Instagram.
March 17: 11 a.m.
Davidson posts a BeReal with him and the Xavier men’s basketball team, captioned: “Love these boys, they’re gonna kill the first round! #ZIPEMUP.”
March 19: 12 p.m.
During a GQ interview, Davidson opens up about his newest relationship, saying, “We don’t want to put any labels on things right now, since she’s busy doing media appearances for March Madness.” He later hints that she might be the president of a Jesuit university in southwestern Ohio. He then shows off his latest tattoo of the Blue Blob, declaring that the Musketeers are his pick to win it all in March Madness.
March 19: 5 p.m.
ESPN reports that Davidson is seen schmoozing at a Xavier donor event after the game.
March 21: 4 p.m.
TMZ reports that Davidson is seen looking at houses for sale in Norwood, Ohio.
March 24: 4:17 p.m.
Davidson posts a picture of his new tattoo, a portrait of the president’s face that covers his entire back.
The caption reads: “I’ve never loved a woman like you before. I don’t even care that you’re Canadian or that I’ll have to move to Cincinnati. You’re my twin flame, and I want you to be my life partner. #HornsDown #ZIPEMUP”
March 24: 9 p.m.
Dana Gardens posts a picture of Hershel and Davidson captioned, “Thanks for having your engagement party here! Hope you two have a happy life together :),” tagging both Davidson and President Hanycz.
March 24: 10:02 p.m.
@BarstoolXU reports that Davidson was seen weeping in the Dana’s men’s bathroom.
March 25: 4:32 p.m.
@BarstoolXU reports that Hanycz has unfollowed Davidson on Instagram.
March 26: 7 p.m.
Dana’s staff is seen dragging Davidson out of the bathroom. He was reportedly crying there for nearly 48 hours, sustained by spicy balls and mac and cheese bites from the cooks.
April 1: 9:27 p.m.
Davidson posts on Instagram: “New standup special titled ‘I’ll Never Forgive Xavier University’ only on HBOMax! Tour dates coming to a city near you! EXCEPT YOU, CINCINNATI. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID.”