By Jackson Hare, Education & Enrichment Coordinator
What’s that sound? Could it be? An army of VSCO girls are sk-sk-sk-skirting their way back to reclaim the throne of popularity they once held over society in 2019. I almost mistook them for the carton of colored eggs my family and I decorated over Easter weekend with their oversized sweaters and t-shirts appearing like the only article of clothing they were wearing. Yet, as they approached, I could make out the crocs on their feet with 10 jibbitz on each, of course. Then, the array of multicolored scrunchies on their wrists came into view, and they held Hydro Flasks in their hands like weapons in preparation for warfare. How many Vineyard Vine stickers does one person need on their water bottle? The “save the turtles” stickers are really cute, but some were quite graphic detailing the consequences of not using reusable metal straws. However, you know you’re really in danger when the VSCO girls let out their screeching war cry, “And I oop,” followed by their most iconic sound, “sk-sk-sk-sk-sk,” which can only be equated to the cackles of coyotes as they circle their prey.
Worry not. I have a proposed solution to combat this unforeseen second wave of this trend that should stay in 2019 — a solution that I believe will kill two birds with one stone. Don’t bring back VSCO girls. If this trend must return, let it be VSCO boys. These wouldn’t be just any boys, however. They would be your Harry Styles-esque boys: floppy hair, cuffed corduroy overalls with a single strap hanging low off the shoulder, a silver chain necklace, pastel colored nails and some simple white Vans. Of course, you gotta ditch the Hydro Flask as well. Ripple water bottles are the VSCO boy accessory. These boys ought to be the kind that confuse and frustrate queer folk, like myself, because they are straight as can be but have adopted the word “slay” as their own, using it solely in contexts that it does not fit. Of course, VSCO boys have to have some sort of social issue to care about. VSCO girls have turtles, so it would only be fitting that VSCO boys be impassioned by narrowing the gender pay gap and improving women’s positions in the workforce. This new superpower will quell any and all attempts VSCO girls execute to end their hiatus following their 2019 reign.
Which VSCO aesthetic accessory are you?
Aries: You are the puka shell necklace. A little blunt, but dependable to round out an outfit.
Taurus: You are the hydroflask. A neon pink one, of course. You’re a little rough around the edges, and you could definitely knock someone’s tooth out.
Gemini: You are the tie-dye tote bag. You’re cutesy, a little off-trend, but loveable.
Cancer: You are the one and only save the turtles sticker. Every true VSCO girl needs one.
Leo: You are the white Jeep Wrangler. This is not technically a VSCO girl accessory, but it just feels right.
Virgo: You are the penny board. You think you’re edgy.
Libra: You are the excessive stack of Pura Vida bracelets. You’re colorful, that’s for sure.
Scorpio: You are none other than THE pair of disgusting white or checkered Vans. A staple, truly.
Sagittarius: You are the six-hour-old melted and fermented Starbucks Refresher in hand.
Capricorn: You are the 3XL t-shirt covering the VSCO girl’s daisy dukes.
Aquarius: You are the renegade dance.
Pisces: You are the bow-tie scrunchie, girl. You are essential to this whole ensemble, and none of us would be here without you.