Aries: You should get a bob. Everyone else is doing it.
Taurus: I think your romances are going to go well this week. At least, I hope so.
Gemini: You might be happier if you actually did things on time. Or, if you started drinking tea with honey in it.
Cancer: The dogs that come to class sometimes are cute, but please stop asking the dog if it remembers you. I highly doubt it.
Leo: You need to listen to less Lord Huron. I just think you should embrace the happy fall vibes, not the seasonal depression vibes.
Virgo: Stop spending money on food. You have to start using the kitchen you pay rent for, or use those Caf swipes.
Libra: Maybe you should get a cat. You look so lonely and sad. And, you look like a bag lady. Might as well complete the aesthetic.
Scorpio: The fall capsule wardrobe TikToks are great. You should watch them. I think you need some help in the outfit blending department.
Sagittarius: This week, you will not get food poisoning from the Caf. You will wake up on time every day, and you will not get afternoon headaches.
Capricorn: They don’t love you back. It was a one time deal. Stop texting them.
Aquarius: Call your mom. She loves you! She misses you.
Pisces: Listen to new music. Your on repeat playlist on Spotify is getting sad. I don’t think it’s changed in a year.