By Audrey Elwood, Arts & Entertainment Editor

Dear Gisele,

You’re so hot haha, please don’t keep your baby with another man.

I am sorry I chose football over our marriage. We were a power couple. I was the greatest of all time in football, won multiple Superbowl rings and was widely revered. And you wore bikini and were super-hot. A match made in heaven, or even better, Boston.

I wish I could kiss you one more time, but alas I cannot, after you left for good for your jiu-jitsu instructor. One big sloppy wet kiss— I would stick my tongue down your throat just like Adriana Lima is sticking her comeback down your throat (don’t worry you’re hotter babe). I will have to suffice with kissing our teenage boys, but I’ll be imagining its you.

Las Vegas will be super cool; it has Coke World. I know I am famous for my body being a temple, however, I am now a 50-year-old divorced dad, so I have been pounding some Bud Lights and listening to Creed and sobbing while rewatching the 2006 Victoria’s Secret fashion show. So, let’s be wild and drink some soda.

Since my boy SBF went to jail, I have been so paranoid. I was already Goodell’s boytoy for 20 years— I can’t be some guy named Jumbo’s midnight snack. Please don’t tell anyone about my nights at Diddy’s. I would never freak off when I had you Gisele! Your eyes are already freaky enough.

The only ring that mattered was yours. My love of the game trumped my love for you. If you think about it, we are kind of like Trump and Melania. I am one of the most, accomplished, and successful and frankly good-looking guys in the world. You are my foreign, ethnic queen, who nobody can decide if she really wants to be there or not.

You cannot possibly have a kid with a jiu-jitsu instructor. The only people who take jiu-jitsu seriously are guys who look like they just crawled out of a grease trap. Sure, our sons came out of the womb concussed, but they can still lead the world, because money, power and good looks get you anywhere— just look at the Kardashians.

Gisele baby, I am on my knees for you. I am not the type to beg, and usually I am only on my knees if I am with Gronk. I need you like I need $3,000 worth of massages each week or my $5 million dollar car collection.

We were planning on having a baby until I gave it up to be in Tampa Bay. I mean, who would give up anything for Tampa? Even the government won’t give up anything for them after Milton. You know the place is awful when the government won’t  overspend there.

Forever your husband, and totally in a totally not stalkerish way,

Tommy