by Maci Taylor, Staff Writer

Picture this: It’s a beautiful Sunday afternoon and you’re shopping with your mom at your local Target. As always, you are on the lookout for the exes and the opps, but none seem to be present. 

It is a happy day. Your mom lets you pick out a few items: maybe a pair of Wild Fable jeans or a box of pimple patches — staples of a classic “Target run.” 

But, then, what’s this? You stumble upon what looks like a working bar? An in-store bar at Target? A bartender wearing a bright red Target shirt is making Targeritas behind the bar. Is this a dream? No. This is a perfect shopaholic reality.  

There have been recent rumors circling on Mark Zuckerberg’s internet that Target will be launching in-store bars in select locations. Although Target has yet to confirm these claims, I think it is time to prepare for what might come. 

You know what that means: all the middle-aged white moms of America are going to need an Uber on standby or their sober teenager to drive them home after their weekly Target runs. It’s about to get turnt in Target.  

If these claims are true, Target would be making a strategic decision in mixing alcohol and shopping— a historically magical combination. There will be no more online shopping binges after regular margaritas. There will only be Target runs with Targaritas. 

Now, what is a Targerita? Already, the name is enticing. It sends bird calls to moms — a message only they can decipher. I imagine they feel an unexplainable magnetic pull to this drink. A moth to a flame; a beacon of light in the storm of Black Friday sales.  

What’s in this drink? What is giving these moms a message that no government agency, not even the Department of Government Efficiency, can decode? The ingredients will include tequila, sweat wringed out from Target workers’ red shirts, triple sec, a ground-up price scanner, lime and, of course, topped with red paint flakes scraped from the infamous red balls outside of the store.  

I have some theories on what this drink will do to you. After a sip, Santa will become real again, your parents will get undivorced, Mike Tyson would have beat Jake Paul and Kuhlman Hall’s elevator would never have caught on fire. This drink will have the power to right the wrongs of the world. Are these middle-aged white moms ready to hold the weight of the world in their heavily Bath & Body Works lotioned hands? 

I say yes. So, folks, sing it with me now; Moms are going to be wastin’ away again in Targeritaville.