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SATIRE
By Gavin Guffey, Staff Writer
Two weeks ago I had a revelation.
Sitting in the back of the Caf, looking out the window with some friends, they proposed a question that would change the course of the next two weeks: “What is going on in Hailstones?”
This may sound like a silly statement when you’re reading the question in the comfort of your home, but your perspective changes completely when the evidence is sitting right in front of you.
Outside the window from the Caf you can see Hailstones, and you just think to yourself, “I don’t recall it being that big on the inside.” I was sold immediately.
Everyone that has had a class in the Thomas J. Hailstones building has accidentally gone into the floor one entrance, only to sit there scratching their head, realizing, “wait a second, there is nothing in here.” That was my first attempt at getting to my Hailstones class, and I know it resonates with most people.
Well, if you think that is bad, wait until you hear there are two more floors above that one with many secrets to behold. Next time you walk past Hailstones, look at the building.
It is evident something is going on up there. The Thomas J. Hailstones building is disproportionately large to the amount of known activity within.
Being the curious guys we are, we took it upon ourselves to check it out. My partners in crime on this occasion were Hayden Gillen, a junior computer science major, and Jayden Reyes, a junior digital innovation, film and television (DIFT) major. “How is there so much building with nothing in there?” Reyes pondered.
Total random students argue on what is happening behind closed doors in Hailstones Hall. Their most intriguing theory? A Blue Blob cult.
On Sunday at 7:30 p.m. we carefully explored the building. We took proper caution as we approached the first-floor door. Locked.
We entered through the basement and took the elevator up to the first floor. Nothing.
Taking the stairs to the second floor, we finally uncovered the mystery we had all been waiting for: offices. Unsatisfied, we moved to the third floor, only to find more offices.
This couldn’t be happening. All our theories and hypotheses have gone to waste. Or not? The offices and rooms within Hailstones were suspiciously ordered. Between doors that lead to nowhere, a literal circle around the offices on the third floor, large locks on cabinets and weird items in random places where they don’t belong.
Cabinets are suspiciously padlocked in Hailstones Hall. Is the secret formula for the Caf’s cookies behind the locks?
We began to wonder what Xavier is hiding in Hailstones.
“I’m just a curious guy,” Gillen said. There could be several things going on upstairs: money laundering, secret cults, or hidden doors leading to Narnia. The possibilities are endless. All I know is that no office work is getting done up there during the day.
The mystery of Hailstones has not been resolved. This is the beginning. This idea must be spread.
“Everyone knows what’s in the basement, but there is so much upper too!” Reyes exclaimed.
If you think this matter is not important, I urge you to think again. There is something going on in there, and we are all going to get to the bottom of it. Yes, WE are getting to the bottom of this.
