SATIRE

By Michael Torley, Guest Writer 

Ah, high school. The place of dreams, from the never-ending gossip that was either juicy or ridiculously stupid, to the Friday Night Lights and even those people who made high school their entire personality. 

For those individuals, have you ever wondered whatever happened to them after their “glory days” ended? Where are they now? What are they doing? What is love, baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me no more? Let me comfort your dying curiosity, by taking a look into where these high school stereotypes are now. 

The Football Quarterback 

The Football Quarterback, you may be surprised to hear, did not make it to  the NFL. For being the best player in high school, he has managed to somehow do awfully in college so far, leading to his NFL dreams being traded in for dreams of a 9-to-5 gig. 

That’s okay though, because sometimes the fun is really in just watching football, not having to play it! Other than him losing the “Football Quarterback” label, he has also joined generic frat, which is a good thing? Hard to tell. While the dude might have been the smartest guy on the football field, no offense, but you’re not typically going to find him getting straight A’s on everything. If I’m wrong, feel free to turn me into a football and dash for the endzone. 

The Popular Girl 

The Popular Girl has a similar outcome to the Football Quarterback, however I’m not fully sure she’s looking as far ahead as the Football Quarterback turned Mr. 9-to-5 Man. Since Rushtok is the big deal in college, you best believe the Popular Girl’s getting in on that. 

I’ve found out today that she’s managed to join Alpha Delta Pi. How did she join such a specific sorority when I couldn’t even find out what Fraternity the Football Quarterback joined? Well, I hate to say that I found the Popular Girl in Alpha Delta Pi’s promotional video, specifically the video of the members in a pile chanting how much they want to go A-D-Pi. 

Is this a good thing? I’m not sure, because I’ve heard that the pile bites. Hope she can make it out in good shape at least! If not, may she rest with that diamond blue in peace. 

The Band Kid 

When it comes to the Band Kid, I have both good and bad news. The question, then is which one you want to hear first. I’m going to go ahead and give you the good news first: the Band Kid’s actually pretty cool now! 

No more bragging about how good they play trombone. They’re now just a nice person with other non-band hobbies they encompass. Okay so in light of all the not so-good outcomes we’ve heard thus far, I have come to tell you that the Band Kid has actually done pretty well in life! 

They’re thriving working at a regular job, as I’m not sure where marching bands go after college. Maybe they just march off into the sunset, who’s to tell. 

The Outcast 

And finally, I wanted to end by discussing the most forgotten character in high school: the Outcast. Well Outcast, let me tell you that you are not only seen, but also heard. 

The Outcast has been doing the best of all of these groups and somehow has managed to become what only the Theatre Kid could dream of: Famous! How did this “nobody” manage to make it so big?

I don’t know, and likely you have no clue either. No one knows because no one really took the time to ask them. Shame, because you or I could’ve made it to where they are now too. 

In conclusion, though high school might’ve ranged from the best four years of your life to a fever dream you wish of forgetting every night before bed, don’t let that deter you from what college is now. 

In my crystal ball, or whatever is used to predict the future, I see everyone thriving in these years we are living in now. And so, even if I completely forgot the group you were a part of in high school, in which case you can badger me over a part two of looking into this mirrorball to see where you’ll end up, at the end of the day I don’t even know if I have the right mirrorball. 

Might’ve accidentally picked up the Mirrorball given to the winners of Dancing With the Stars. Guess we’ll truly see what the future holds!